My son is now safely ensconced on a bus somewhere in the wilds of Washington DC, sightseeing up a storm; having made it through airport security without mentioning the word “bomb” and having made it through his first plane ride without vomiting in his lap.

This begs the question: What will I do for three days and two nights?

I will tell you.

First, I’m going to kick my mom and my stepdad to the curb. I don’t care where they go, they just need to get gone. They can go to a nice hotel, they can move to Arizona, or they can go collect change on the side of the expressway for all I care. I am child-free for the next three days, damn it, and this house is mine.

Then, I’m going to call up everyone I know and also post an event on my Facebook wall, inviting everyone to a massive free-for-all bash out here in the cornfield.

What will take place at this bash, you ask?

I can’t get into too many specifics because I really don’t want the police showing up, but I know that I’m going to have strippers. Lots of strippers. And not crappy, flabby, six-kids-having, Northwest Indiana strippers, either; but some truly amazing-looking strippers from the finest Chicago clubs – girls with the best bodies and the least noticeable nose jobs.

Next I’m going to import some truly high-quality cocaine, because I need something to snort off of the strippers’ asses.

Obviously.

Since this isn’t going to be some crappy kegger, I’m going to need a lot of top-shelf liquor. The strippers are going to be far less likely to get involved in the orgies without a lot of good-quality booze.

Orgies, you say? Of course! My kid is out of town! Of course there will be orgies. I plan to cover entire bedrooms in plastic wrap just to ensure that nothing is permanently damaged, so depraved and dark and twisted shall these orgies be.

I already have my outfit all picked out. It’s composed mostly of leather straps with a little chain from the Home Depot thrown in for good measure.

The fun begins tonight and will last through Saturday morning, giving me a little time for cleanup, a couple of threesomes, and an eight-ball or two before the kid gets home Saturday evening.

Then, if my mom and stepdad are lucky, I might let them back in the house.

Assuming that all the girls have been paid and that all the black tar heroin has been disposed of properly, of course.

Here’s hoping you have a good weekend, too.

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