So I’ve been up since five thirty and have had eight cups of coffee, not counting the one I’m currently drinking, so I’m pretty amped. So before I get on the treadmill, let’s talk some shit.

I am sporting a rather sizeable, eggplant-colored lump on my forehead courtesy of last night’s seizure, a pants-pissing extravaganza which took place on the tile on the way to the bathroom.

There’s nothing like having to yell for your mother to bring you a towel and some dry clothes at the age of 37 so that you don’t drip pee on the carpet. Perhaps I should invest in some Depends.

The lump looks something like an alien ready to burst forth from my head; and you know, maybe it really is. Maybe this has been the problem all along, this strange purple entity living within my poor beleaguered brain, and maybe the thing has finally decided to jump ship and seek better living conditions.

Hey, you never know.

In other news, I bought some Advantage for the cats and dosed them (two just laid there, two fought me tooth and nail) and it seems to have worked, that is to say there seems to be no more furious scratching and biting either on their part or my part. Thank you, Advantage. My poor kid still looks like he has the smallpox, but hopefully he will heal soon.

I wonder what the teachers must think. His legs are covered in bruises from his strange sleeping machinations and outside play, and he is also rife with bites and scabs.

Between the two of us, we look like a couple of refugees.

In other news, I have been endlessly frustrated with elementary and junior high school math ever since, oh, the third grade. They do it differently now, not the old way they did when I was a young pup and dinosaurs roamed the earth, and I’ve been relentlessly confused by the shit for years.

Last night, I went to check the J-Man’s math as I always do, assuming that I wouldn’t get it as I always don’t, and lo and behold, it was plain old algebra, and I understood it!

People, I was so proud of myself that I could have held a parade in my honor.

I checked it swiftly, found that he had done almost all of the problems correctly, and smiled a great smug smile of satisfaction; for I, the mathematical dope who could not manage long division, had pulled some algebra out of my brain.

I’m still in shock.

What else? My stomach is fat. It is fat, fat, fatty fat. And no, I am not one of those skinny bitches that whines about the small pinch of fat on her tiny bones – I have a gut.

For quite some time I was religiously doing a hundred crunches per day plus other abdominal exercises, and my shit was getting flat. For the past month or so, though, lethargy has set in, and my ass has not even touched the floor. This has resulted in atrophied muscles and what looks like a four-months-pregnant belly.

I have a muffin top. It’s horrendous.

One would think that this would drive me to get my butt back on the floor and crunch my way back to flatness, but oh, the lethargy is sinuous and evil and strong in its grasp, and I just can’t bring myself to do it.

“Then stop complaining about your fat gut.”

I will. I’m sure it’s tedious to read about anyway. Sigh.

There’s a gaggle of teenaged skateboarders (who are very untalented, I’ve noticed, and can’t do tricks for shit) on the block, and they irritate me beyond measure for no good reason. They’re just teenagers being teenagers. They’re loud and obnoxious and they have pool parties a couple of doors down from me and play loud crappy rap music (today’s rap music is largely for shit). Sometimes they ride bikes in a large group up and down the street and talk way too loudly. They curse a lot (contrary to this blog, I don’t really curse that much).

All of this has led me to the conclusion that I pretty much just can’t stand teenagers. This is a frightening realization. Am I going to loathe my own kid at sixteen? He’s somewhat of a pain now with the attitude, but it’s nothing I can’t deal with. At sixteen, am I going to find him freaking unbearable or hopelessly annoying?

God, I hope not.

I’d better get my ass on the treadmill before the best of the caffeine buzz wears off.

Happy Monday.

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