OK, first, can I talk about Monday night’s Sox game?? My friend Poppy generously gave us four tickets, 13 rows behind the DUGOUT for Christ’s sakes, and LORD, I will never be able to stomach sitting in the cheap seats again.

It was so great to actually be able to see the game, and it was a great game indeed, with the Sox taking Detroit down 6 to 3, and even a couple of home runs from AJ Pierzynski and my future husband (once he leaves his current wife) Paulie Konerko.

The J-Man had a blast, and even though I had to pay $7.25 for my lone beer, I didn’t have to spend very much cash, because neither J or I are eating much these days.

Did I mention that the J-Man has lost eleven pounds over the summer? I’m so proud of my kid. He’s growing taller, too, so his once-sizable spare tire is almost gone.

So, vacation. We drove the two hours to Indiana Beach in separate cars, my stepdad taking my sister and the two-year old, and my mom schlepping me, the seven-year-old, the five-year-old, and the J-Man.

People, I was in the crazy car. These kids knew every word to every song on the radio, and they sang LOUDLY. So did my mother. Since I am not a pop/rap aficionado, I was a bit out of my element, but the odd song came on that I did know, and I have to admit that I joined in the fracas.

We arrived to find a rather neat little three-bedroom cottage that was reasonably clean and close to the boardwalk. This is where the kids began to get batshit hyper. This is also where my main problem with the vacation began.

It was HOT. Not wussy little eighty-degree hot, but I’m-gonna-fucking-kill-you-dead ninety-nine-degree hot.

It was so hot that I saw a cluster of dead camels on the boardwalk.

I don’t do well with the heat in general. I’m not supposed to be out in the sun thank to my seizure meds and I already tend to pass out, so anything over ninety presents a huge gamble for me.

The first full day we were there we went to the beach. I coated myself liberally in waterproof, sweatproof SPF 100 and sat under an umbrella for eighty percent of the day, coming out only to ride the Lazy river for a bit and play in the sand with the baby. I still got burned.

You have to be one white-assed motherfucker to get burned with SPF 100, let me tell you. Even my kid, who is half Cuban and normally sports a lovely summer tan, got fried.

The heat didn’t abate during the evening when we went on the rides, either. Just stepping out of the air-conditioned cottage for a second was enough to make one break into a heavy sweat, and by the time we purchased our ride wristbands, we were all sticky and gross.

Now the J-Man is generally a wuss when it comes to rides. He won’t go on anything scary. He won’t go on anything that goes up high, or any roller coasters. I, however, am a ride junkie, and the scarier and higher and bigger the better. I love roller coasters with a passion, and if they go upside down, more power to them.

I figured I’d be alone in this, until the wee seven-year-old piped up, “I wanna go on the roller coasters.”

I figured she’d bail at the last minute, but I said, “I’ll go with you.”

People, this child had some brass balls. She went on all the roller coasters multiple times, sat in the front row, hands up, and barely even screamed. I was so impressed that I couldn’t believe it. The J-Man was so impressed (and a little shamed, I think) that the next day, he sucked it up and went on the big roller coaster, twice, screaming all the way.

One thing that we all agreed upon was that the haunted house was out. I will not go in any haunted house, no matter what, world without end, amen. I don’t like people reaching out and grabbing me, and I don’t like things touching my feet. I don’t like anything that requires a “chicken exit”, and I would not go near anything that would actually refund your money if you made it all the way through without pissing yourself/chickening out. Call me a big baby, I don’t care. Haunted houses are for crazy people.

My stepdad was actually pretty cool during this trip. He did yell at the kids quite a bit, but everyone was yelling at the kids quite a bit. If those kids heard “Sit down,” “Be quiet,” “Eat your food,” or “Go upstairs and play,” once, they heard it a hundred times. My sister, short on patience to begin with, was actually slapping kids upside the head by the last day.

It was interesting to notice people’s reactions to our racially mixed family. When you have three small black kids calling out “Grandma!” and “Grandpa!” to two very white adults, people take notice. I also noticed a lot of staring when I was playing with the baby on the beach. The “resort” (and I use that word VERY loosely) was highly populated by people of the redneck persuasion, and we got more than a few dirty looks and headturns.

I will admit that I wanted to start fucking with people.

“Oh my GOD, my baby turned BLACK!!!”

That probably wouldn’t have been nice.

In this area, a racially mixed family is so common that no one blinks an eye, but I guess down in Farmville, it’s an anomaly.

The heat index was 115 at one point, so I chose to forego the family activities and stay in the cottage and rest. This is when I found out why one doesn’t go out in the sun while on seizure medication, or at least I think this is why.

I was stricken by an attack of explosive diarrhea so bad that I really can’t even describe it, and you’re all probably glad that I can’t.

Let’s just say that I drank half a bottle of Immodium that day and leave it at that.

All in all, I had a pretty good time, in spite of the evil shits; and the kids had a blast. I just wish it could have been twenty degrees cooler.

In other news, I am no longer dating Guy I Am Dating. I know this is a huge surprise, as I go through men the way most people change the litter box. I did, however, meet a very nice guy on Saturday. He’s a Special Ed teacher, which of course is right up my alley, as I am a Special Person.

I kid.

Anyway, he seems extremely nice, he’s divorced, two kids which he’s taken to Florida this week, tall, good-looking.

We shall see.

I just wish they had a Judge of Character app for my phone.

Happy Wednesday.

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