April 20th, 2011 | Author: trancejen
I’m about to go on a tear about Other People’s Children.
I stupidly raised my kid to be nice, respectful of others, and well, not a douchebag.
What has this gotten me? It has gotten me a sweet, albeit meek and mild child who has become the target of every rotten little miscreant in the Indianny school system.
A recent text: “Go rape your mom.”
A recent nickname: “Gaymo”.
Add that to “fag”, “homo”, “queer”, “faggot”, “fatass”, and “gay”.
My son is ostensibly not gay, in fact he’s quite enamored of the little girl across the street; but I shudder to think of what horrors an actual gay child would face at that hellhole of a school.
“We have a zero tolerance bullying policy”.
My big, cornfed, white ass.
I have contacted the guidance counselor on several occasions, to no avail. I have met with his teachers and this has been equally useless. Next I am going to the principal. I am offically fucking Fed Up.
My child comes home in tears. “Why do they hate me? They don’t even know me.”
The truth is, I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell him. I have told him to ignore them. I have told them to tell them to shut up. I have, in an angry moment, told him to tell them to go straight to hell.
Where are the parents of these children? What are they teaching their children? Does hate spew from the mouths of their spawn at home, too? Does hate spew from the mouths of the parents?
I think we can all agree that it must.
To call a child that is kind and sensitive a “homo” and a “fag” is ignorant. To belittle any child, gay or not gay, is equally ignorant, and I feel that the teachers and administrators, who surely cannot be both deaf and blind, are just as much to blame for letting these slurs slide.
I realize that this is backwards Republican Indianny, but that’s no excuse for backwards bullying. Do they also use the “n” word at this school? Somehow, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit.
I am tired of my child coming home in tears, or worse, coming home early vomiting his guts out from an anxious stomach that even psychiatric medicine can’t cure because he’s being worn down to a frazzle. I am tired of worrying that he isn’t safe in gym class. I am tired of watching his sad face.
I am tired of this bullshit.
I am reaching the point in which I want to go down to the bus stop and literally shake these children, scream, “What the hell is wrong with you?? Go rape your mom??”
I want to call all of the parents (who probably would not give a fig) and say, “Look, ma’am/sir, your little sweetheart is a crapweasel. Raise your child to have some manners and decorum before I call the school superintendent, the school board president, my congressman, whoever; and have him blackballed from the school system. We’ll see how you like homeschooling the little shit.”
I am so, so angry.
It is a horrible feeling not to be able to protect one’s child. And maybe he is a little thin-skinned, and maybe I am, too; but maybe it’s because neither of us would dare lash out the way the J-Man is being lashed without mercy.
He came home at ten yesterday morning with severe stomach pain, puking constantly, red-eyed and lethargic. I wanted to choke something.
This morning he went to school as he always does, with a hopeful heart, that maybe today will be different. His ability to bounce back astonishes me. I am not so resilient. I am holding a big grudge.
I wait by the door every day at four o’clock, hoping for good news.
Maybe today it will come. Maybe today they will find some compassion in their hard little hearts.
I just wish that parents, rather than worrying more than anything about teaching their children to excel in sports or academically or socially, would first teach their children to be kind.
I think that’s really what it’s all about.
Bullying is just completely wrong. I hope you can get the right person in the school system to listen. I know so many people who have had similar horrible experiences that it must be an epidemic.
Hugs to both you and the J-Man. Hope today goes better for him.
Bullying is bogus. Sadly, it’s something that a lot of people do, and keep doing. They don’t really understand that naming someone else as “bad” or “lesser” does not actually make them “good” or “greater”.
This is going to be hard for the J-Man to grasp, but in 6 years, he won’t care about these people – except for the ones that are actually his friends. And in 12 years, he’ll have utterly forgotten most of these people. They won’t matter. So even though what they’re saying hurts, realize that this will eventuallyy end, and be a rather insignificant part of his life.
One zinger for him to use on other people, when they call another kid “gay” or “homo” or “fag”: “Really? How would you know?” That’ll shut them right the hell up. Confront the bullies verbally, and loudly. It’s the only way to get them to realize that their behavior is not acceptable. This site applies to women dealing with street harassment, but the tactics are totally applicable to schoolyard bullying: http://www.ihollaback.org/
Does your school have a police officer assigned to it? If so at this point that is who I would approach.
If you don’t want to do that, don’t both with his teachers or even the principal. I would go straight to the superintendent.
They are the two approaches I used. The police wanted to help but at the stage of the bulling they couldn’t do anything yet. She did help us contact the superintendent and was at the bus stop everyday until there was a resolution.
The phone thing is stalking, so call your local police district also.
Ugh, poor kid and poor you. This took me back to my middle school years when my school was filled with trashy kids. The teachers and staff let the kids treat each other however they wanted. Many of the them were criminals in training and guess what? Now many of them are/have been in prison. The only solution is for the J-man to practice avoidance and try to make as many normal friends as possible. I doubt you’ll get far with the admin…
You are a stronger woman than I. I would have been down at that stop handeling it with them or the parents immediately after not getting a response from the school. Of course the school is the first place we go, following “protocol”. But what do we do when that doesn’t work?
That poor baby. I am so sorry. I used to be picked on in school pretty bad. All I can say is it will get better. Someday, it will.
((hugs)) I’m so sorry.
Spoke to the school counselor again today, she is going to speak to the J-Man and wring some names out of him. I also sent the school superintendent a scathing e-mail. I am on the warpath.
good! You should call the parents. Any mother BETTER be mortified that her son sent such an offensive text – i am sure he will get in trouble for that. The internet also loves j-man and wishes him the best. Just want to give both of you big (((hugs)))
Ugh, the middle school years. My son is going through the exact same thing as you. We have gone as high as the assistant superintendent and STILL it goes on. The principal knows us intimately, so frequently have my husband and myself called her to let her know that it is not acceptable that other kids are calling our son gay and punching him in the hallways. I wish I knew what to tell you, but alas, I am as stuck as you. Please hang in there and (sadly) know that your kid is not alone. Too bad I’m way down here in Florida..our kids could hang out. Imagine! Decent kids who don’t bully others. We just try to tell our son that it will get better when he gets to high school next year. Hugs to you and yours.
Tracy, I hope it gets better for your son, too. Hugs.
Hey Jen,
Please let J. know that when kids bully like that it is NOT about him at all! it’s about something being broken in those kids – they do it to others too. They don’t even actually hate him he is right they don’t know him at all. Also let him know that the sensitive guys with strong Moms are the most popular with the ladies once he makes it to college age!
I really wish kids would be kind too. I just read a book by Bruce Perry who has done a ton of reading and research on how empathy forms… and how it doesn’t. Lots of sad things in the book but also interesting. He even talked about how empathy is lower in places where high school sports are glorified… it’s fascinating.
Been there, done that. In one English class, we had notebooks that we had to leave in the back of the classroom. A group of guys wrote in mine that they hoped my boyfriend would hit a tree while I was riding with him, giving him..oral sex (they didn’t put it quite that nicely) so I’d choke, etc etc, all kinds of nice things like that. Best part? This was high school. A Catholic high school. wtf?
We may not forget it, but we do learn to let it go.
It’s unbelievable how cruel kids can be. And how creatively cruel, apparently. It just mystifies me.
If you don’t get any satisfaction, I would insist on a meeting with the principal and the texter’s parents and SHOW them what is going on. Most parents would be horrified at their child being a bully, but will also do anything to believe their child isn’t. There is no good explanation for that kind of a text – “it was a joke” doesn’t cut it, and may lend more weight (in their eyes) that what your child is saying might be true, and not just misunderstood or blown out of proportion.
Well, you know I have 2 kids, much younger, but they will be facing a smiliar situation some day. Also you know I teach at public schools. And I can tell you this: You can NOT count on the anti-bullying programs in the schools. They are about as effective as Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say NO” policy was in the 1980s at preventing kids from taking drugs. From Junior High until High school, kids are more influenced by their peers than their parents or by teachers.
This issue of bullying is something I have been studying closely the last couple of semesters. I think it stems from a couple of places. First of all, the parents have to teach their kids at a YOUNG age, that bullying is wrong. Joking around and getting a laugh is fine, but when it crosses the line and becomes mean-spirited it is WRONG. Just plain wrong. But kids are stupid and they want the laugh, the want to feel better about themselves by putting others down. Second of all, our school system sucks. It is under funded and the teachers and principles mostly just care about getting their students to pass the standardized testing. So if the parents are teaching their kids that bullying is wrong and the staff isnt either, then why should a kid think it is wrong?
Right now, for my kids, I think the best thing I can do is teach them that bullying is stupid and that if someone picks on them, they need to stand up for themselves. That doesnt mean they need to fight–although I have no problem with either my kids defending themselves physically–but it means that they have to confront the bully. You know, the simple act of standing up to a bully can really go a long way toward STARTING to deal with bullying. Its not the end all solution, but it is a start.
That’s my two cents–I honestly hope something I said can be useful to you.
I don’t have kids, because I’m barely old enough to properly parent my dogs. But I was a bullied child all through gradeschool and most of high school. I can’t think of a single person I could call a friend from pre-k to 8th grade (it was all one school, because I went to private school to [ironically] protect me from the dangers of the big bad-test-scoring school in my urban school district).
Anyway. Sometime in highschool I learned to embrace my “weird” nature and my friends and I formed somewhat of a shield around each other. The other kids still hated us and thought we were deranged and surely damned to hell (oh the evil nature of being an artistic kid into 80s punk in a uptight, private school during the boyband craze) but we protected each other and were able to laugh at their small-mindedness.
I hope your son finds that. Sometimes even one friend, one lifeline can tell you that you’re a great kids and it’s going to be okay.
I’m not even lying when I say we all turned out to be rather stellar adults too; homeowners or responsible renters good jobs and pets or kids.
oh jen, i sooooo worry about that. my roxi is 10, but held behind in 2nd grade so she’s taller (i’m 5′8) and admittedly chubby. she is very athletic, rocks gymnastics etc…but she is the chubby kid. and i’ve taught her from day one that if a kid messes with her, not to hold back. she’s gotten into pushing matches with boys! where are the teachers? but i’m ok with it because she is holding her own…but puberty is around the very near corner! and the “mean girls” are going to set in. i just don’t know how to help her. she’s very emotional and sweet. i see all the stories on the news about bullying and it scares the living fuck out of me! it makes me feel better reading blogs like yours. i know i’m not alone. and funny thing is, our kids are probably the smarter and actually more visually attractive kids than the ones that bully. but…u have to consider where they come from. as i told her, they don’t have a mommy like you. and it’s sad but true….but also not my problem. not when she’s hurting. that’s MY baby. and no, no NOPE….no kid will use her as a punching bag for whatever reason. phew…sorry kinda took this comment as a venting post! rock on good mom! ROCK ON!
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I moonlight as a therapist on the Child/Adolescent psych ward and I am just appalled at the amount of bullying going on. From what I hear, the school bus is the absolute den of bullies. I TOTALLY agree with Ed ^^^^ up there- 100%. And I respectfully disagree with Laughing Muse. These situations can be very damaging to a child’s self esteem and VERY often leads to depression and anxiety in the long term. Good luck, Jen and let me know if I can help.
I’d get J involved in lifting weights so that he can burn off the anxiety and show those little fucks that the person you pick on today could very well be the person you fear in two years.
I’m sorry J-Man is going through this. Bullying is getting a lot of press but I don’t see a lot of practical guidance in the news reports. Bullying has to be addressed because the kid getting bullied can end up seriously depressed. And the bullies sometimes get physical.
Here’s a link that talks about bullying. There are some suggestions at the end that might help http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/problems/bullies.html#
In conversations with the school I’d be firm and tell them that if the bullying of J isn’t addressed with the little creeps doing this that you’ll pursue legal action because they’re not providing a safe environment for your son. It’s tricky because they’ll need the names of the little creeps and J won’t want to give the names. If he does I think it’s important that the school personnel say they got the info from another witness.
Other things to think about: Moving J-Man to another school. Home Schooling. Finding someone who can take him to school and pick him up (avoiding the school bus)
They say it’s not good to get physical in these bullying situations. But I think something like boxing lessons would increase J-Man’s confidence. Maybe your dad would have some advice?
I think being aggressive with the school and taking it up the ladder as far as you can go is good. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
You know, if they’re *not* calling your kid a fag or a queer,
then there *is* something excessively herdlike and bovine
about your kid.
The Stupids discover that the Smarts are not joiners, and that
if the Stupids band together, the Smarts can be individually
neutralized. It’s self-defense, really, for the Stupids.
There’s another aspect to the bullying, too, that the Stupids are
not quite smart enough to figure out, but that generations of
Stupids have bred for: If a Smarts can be instilled with self-loathing,
then they will neutralize themselves, and they won’t be a problem.
Later, the characteristics for which the Smarts were reviled will
be the ones that they are rewarded for, and the things that made
the Stupids popular in high school will be the things that destroy
their livers and marriages.
Dan, that’s an interesting way to look at it, and I think you’re right.