March 29th, 2011 | Author: trancejen
Thank you so much for all your supportive comments regarding my dirty whoredom. I deem you all Official Dirty Whores By Proxy.
So. In the interest of building a better butt, I have been clenching.
That is to say, I’ve been attempting to tighten up my butt muscles (as if I had any) whilst walking and running on the treadmill, and also doing little isometric exercises when I’m not on the treadmill that involve tightening the heinie.
I guess it’s working, because I feel like someone has beaten my ass with a baseball bat, or perhaps rolled over it with a steamroller, or perhaps just kicked it really good, old-school style.
It’s hard to clench! At least it’s hard to clench while running. Try this. Run around your house while clenching your butt while simultaneously trying not to feel stupid and keeping a decent pace.
It may sound silly, but it must work if the pain in my ass (which is neither my child nor my mother, for once) is any indication.
One thing I absolutely cannot lose is my C-section pooch, which is the bane of my existence. Having had a sloppy vertical C-section at the hands of a Brazilian madman who probably believed he was still practicing in some tribal mudhut somewhere, my stomach looks like a butt. A front-butt.
I would like to find that doctor and slap the ever-loving shit out of him.
I would also like to find my pregnant self, the self that gained an actual 100 fucking pounds, and slap the shit out of her, too.
Anyway, although I have done upward of a hundred and fifty crunches a day for oh, let’s see – YEARS, my gut remains gross, and I think the only solution is a tummy tuck.
Now my father has even offered to pay for half if I reach my goal weight and stay there for a year, and I have only thirty pounds to go; but the remaining half poses a financial problem.
This is where my master plan comes in. I am going to start trolling hospitals cafeterias for plastic surgeons. I’m going to wear low-cut tops (remember, I’m a dirty whore now) and pretty makeup and turn the charm up to a ridiculous degree.
Yes, folks, I am going to screw, date, or marry a plastic surgeon.
It can’t be that hard. Not all doctor’s wives are perfect. I’m medically fucked, so I pose an interesting challenge. Why not me?
While I’m at it, I could get a little Botox and some lipo, and then I could be in top shape for my 21-year-old lover.
Heh.
Seriously, though, I am lusting after that tummy tuck. If you saw the pile of sliced bread dough that is my belly, you’d get it.
Good thing I’m working on a novel.
What’s that, you say?
Yep.
More on that to come.
Happy Tuesday.
I think that it’s FABULOUS that you’ve found a young man with an awesome body to bump uglies with…go you! We all deserve some fun in our lives and a lady as awesome as you especially does!
I think that in order to raise enough money for your half of the tummy tuck, you could start a donation fund and since everyone loves you, I bet that you’d see it grow and grow in no time =)
Oh, I can’t in good conscience do that. After all, it’s only vanity, and there are about a zillion better causes to donate money to than my belly.
And thanks, Mo. I am having one good-assed time.
Can you give yourself a hernia? You may already have one due to the c-section. My plastic surgeon billed the insurance company for hernia repair which significantly lowered my cost for the tummy tuck. It’s not like he won’t be in the neighborhood …
I would totally give myself a hernia for that! How does one do that, anyway? Lift extraordinarily heavy things?
push out your stomache as you lift heavy things. my sis-in-law also had a c-section that created a hernia. you might want to bring up the problem with your pooing. you could already have one and not know it!
Is it wrong to wish you are luck on getting a hernia?!?
Anyone who has had an abdominal incision is prone to hernia. As noted above, you probably already have one. When was the last time you had a cat scan or mri? You might want to have the doctor re-review your test results looking for a hernia this time. Can’t hurt.
Don’t know about a hernia, but I wanted to comment on the Prune-Needed Problem, which I also had. Should we be taking a long walk on the beach? Probably, but oh HONEY. Get you some cheap magnesium from CVS. I take 5 250 mg a day. They dissolve instantly and have no taste. They help out so much. Also, you know how good epsom salts feel in a hot bath? Two tips–1. Go to a vet supply store to get epsom salts & mix them with some scented oils and you have a cheap, relaxing bath or go to CVS and get a bottle of Epsom Lotion. It’s $5.99 and is magnesium applied topically which is supposed to be very good for you and helps with achy muscles.
You’re looking very babelicious lately and I can’t WAIT for you to get that tummy tuck-I remember when J-man was being potty trained and you were talking about it. You will love it.
LOL. I love that I’m getting hernia advice… I don’t think I have a hernia, as my stomach doesn’t hurt and I can lift stuff with no strain, but who knows??
Lorrie, girl, how are you??? Nice to see an old friend. I will try the magnesium – someone else just suggested it, but I didn’t know what dosage to take. One thing that’s been sort of working for me, though, has been morning grapefruit juice with my coffee – for some reason it’s totally cleaning me out!
I talk about poop way too much.
And thank you for the babelicious comment.
I am SO lusting after that damn surgery, though. GAH.
I also started doing sit-ups in attempt to eliminate my pooch. I’ve been doing 25/day for a couple of years. My abs are tight and probably “hot” except that you can’t see them because they’re hiding behind my pooch. At this point, the only two things I can do to rid myself of this unwanted passenger is to do vigorous fat-burning exercises regularly or get surgery.
But, I want to encourage you to continue doing your sit-ups because I’ve found that there are lots of benefits to having strong ab muscles, from better balance to less back issues. Plus, then after you get surgery, your abs will already be smokin’ hot.
“…it must work if the pain in my ass (which is neither my child nor my mother, for once) is any indication.”
I’m not the most articulate in explaining my affection for this blog, but I’m pretty sure that with a quote like this I wouldn’t have to. Love!
i cant wait to read your book! Do you have any copies left of the other one you wrote? What was it called?