Today shall be known as Random Day, and I shall remain utterly confused and flabbergasted by its fucked-up events.

I have a fever and chills, ostensibly due to the flu shot I had about a week and a half ago, even though I was told that this would not happen due to the fact that the virus was not live.

That dead virus is currently kicking my ass, dear pharmacist. Sorry to burst your bubble. Either that, or your damned shot didn’t work worth a shit.

There is that. There is also this:

I didn’t turn my phone on until about eleven today, because I felt like ass last night and turned the sucker off so as to have a good night’s sleep free of booty calls messages from T-Mobile.

I turned it on this morning to find a fucking suicide text from an ex.

I don’t know whether the shit was serious, or whether this text was sent during some sort of a drunken stupor. I don’t remember his street address, so I can’t very well send anyone over to check it out. I’m just left to sit here tweaking out about it.

Not good.

If you’re going to kill yourself, may I recommend that you don’t decide to make amends via text first. Just go on and fucking do it. And if you’re drunk, STAY OFF OF THE PHONE. I swear to God, cell phones should come with breathalyzers. This would prevent a lot of heartache, embarrassment, and meaningless sex.

Actually, I take the mention of suicide very fucking seriously, which is why I am tweaking.

Anyway, that was my morning. To say that it has been less than pleasant would be a gross understatement.

This afternoon I must type up recipes for the Weetacon cookbook so as to have them in at the last minute, because procrastination is my middle name. Unfortunately my recipes are long and convoluted due to anecdotes that I throw in as well as stupid jokes and roundabout instructions that would make Julia Child weep. This is going to be time-consuming.

I’m really trying not to think about this text thing. I really am. But God knows that everything that happens to everyone is my fault and under my control, so I have to stress out about it.

Right.

Have a happy Tuesday. Send soothing waves of relaxation my way.

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