November 9th, 2010 | Author: trancejen
I had a plastic plug inserted into my left eye yesterday, and you may now all refer to me as Jen “Left Eye” Trance.
Now, I was really a big baby about this. I don’t like anyone touching my eyes. I don’t like it when the doctor prods around in there or even puts in drops – I want to do it MYSELF. I don’t even like the glaucoma test, in which they shoot a little puff of air into your eyes. I am an optical wuss.
You’d think I’d be more than used to all of this shit, having undergone every eye test there is more than a hundred times a year since the age of two, but no. I just get more and more squicked out with every passing poke.
Anyway, I was nervous. I asked the ophthalmologist for a Valium, which they shockingly do not keep in stock. I cursed myself for not bringing any muscle relaxers, which tend to calm me. The eye doctor looked at me and shook his head. “This is really no big deal. You’re going to be fine. We’re only doing one today, and we’ll do one next month.”
Have you ever looked at the holes in the corners of your eyes? They are not all that fucking big. Imagine putting something in there.
Ouch.
He showed me the plugs, which were about as big as the head of a pin, and I relaxed. No problem. Then he came toward my eye, and I started to flinch.
Problem.
Thankfully I was able to hold it together and relax while he took out his little tools and started to try to hammer the little plug into place.
“Um… we have a problem.”
“What?”
“Your hole is really small.”
“That’s what HE said.”
(No, I didn’t really say that, but GOD I wanted to.)
I really said, “What do you mean my hole is really small?” (snort)
“I can’t get it in.” (more and more this was sounding like prom night)
“Keep trying, I guess.” (persistence pays off)
“Does it hurt?” (considerate lover)
“A little.” (should have thought of lube!)
“I’ll try one more time – there it is!” (penetration)
“Really?” (shock)
“How does that feel?” (never HAD such a considerate lover, now that I think about it)
“It feels fine, I can’t really feel it.” (I guess you can’t have it all)
“I’m going to leave it in indefinitely, and you’re going to notice a lot more moisture.” (A-ha!)
OK, OK, enough.
Anyway, after we finished having hot filthy eye sex, I read a Highlights magazine (rock on, Goofus and Gallant) for twenty minutes in the waiting room to make sure the thing was comfortable, and I was able to leave.
Now I’m all paranoid that I’m going to knock it out, but I have a great excuse to make the J-Man listen to me.
“Don’t make me yell, you’re going to make me mad and my eye plug is going to come out!!”
“Don’t get shitty grades and make me upset, or I will cry and my eye plug will come out!!”
I’m sure this will work quite well.
I have been referred to a rheumatologist because my eye doctor thinks my dry eye is tied in with both my arthritis and this weird blistery patch I have on my hand that I thought was eczema and have been trying to treat at home because I am cheap. Apparently rheumatoid arthritis can cause all of these things, and the blistery shit can be psoriasis, which for some reason grosses me out more than eczema. I don’t relish the thought of adding another doctor to the regime OR taking arthritis medication when I’m already on enough drugs to kill a horse OR having more MRIs and being told how badly I’m falling apart at the tender age of 36, but whatever. Maybe arthritis drugs would work better than painkillers. Maybe then my neurologist would stop telling me I have fibromyalgia, which I disagree with. Maybe then the sun will shine out of my butt, because we all know that doctors have the answers to fucking everything.
Righty-O.
Happy Tuesday. Go out and have some rousing eye sex.
Just once – JUST ONCE – I want to go to a doctor and have him / her say, “You’re doing great; see you in a year.” Just freakin’ once. My latest round robin was an MRI for herniated discs finding tumors on my adrenal glands leading to an appointment with an endocrinologist who found a thyroid goiter. Go me.
“I just get more and more squicked out with every passing poke.”
I love this sentence. It truly sums up how I feel whenever I have to endure continuous medical procedures. I’m sure Lori would agree.
Glad it all worked out though – I’m happy your eye got, um… “lucky?”
What a considerate lover….oh I mean doctor. Fantastic post. Glad to hear it wasn’t that big a deal after all.
And I’m all for motivational techniques to get my son to do what he’s suppose to do….cause guess who’s taking out the trash this morning.
Here’s a hint…its not him.
Oh, Lori. I feel for you. And your insurance company.
Yeah, Amy, it just gets less and less fun, and I get more and more twitchy in the MRI machine. Shouldn’t we be old fucking pros by now??
Nightowl, you tell that kid *I* said take the trash out. I don’t touch a trashcan, damn it.
OK, that was just frickin’ funny. At least he didn’t say something like, “Hey, this is gonna stretch you some!” or “Damn, those holes are just huge! You could drive a 2 ton pickup through there.”
My eye went weird and sore and tearful for a time, and the doctor who was checking it out with the prodding and poking and drops, actually, I kid you not, inserted a needle into the tear duct!
It was a good thing he did it with no warning or I would have run screaming out of there. But after that everything came good and normal again. I think he scared my eyeball into submission.
Dave, you are so right. I would have been offended and left.
CranRasbry, THANKS. I am now going to have horrible fucking nightmares. THANKS SO MUCH.
hehehe I’m sorry! I was hoping that you would feel better because that DIDN’T happen to you! See, you avoided that one!
GAH. I seriously couldn’t stop thinking about it last night!! I would have run screaming out of that office shouting “SADIST!!!!”
I am so with you on the hate of the eye exam. I just had my yearly diabetic eye exam wherein the doctor stands on my chest, forces my eyelid open with one hand and shines a spotlight in my eyeball with the other. My feet are back peddling the enite time but she has such a grip on my head that I can’t move. When I told her I was having some problems with eye dryness and painful contact lenses you know what she said? “Well, you are aging you know.” What a bitch.
Oh to HELL with that. My doctor implied the same thing about my arthritis. I’m fucking 36. ARGH
That was hilarious. I totally wish you’d said that stuff to him. As long as we are swapping gross eye stories (we’re doing that aren’t we?) I’ll share this tidbit. I had four eye surgeries before the age of ten. Thank gawd I was too young to remember most of them. This was before laser surgery and disintegrating stitches. Apparently they would cut the muscles behind my eye (how they got back there I don’t even want to know) and then they would stitch it up with thick black thread. And then those stitches had to come out. I remember the doctor coming at my eye with scissors(!) and he didn’t even touch me before I slithered out of the chair onto the floor, totally passed out. Smelling salts and some encouraging words from my mom and somehow I was able to get back in the chair and to get them out. To this day I do not like eye exams at all!!! I’ll take the gyno or the dentist any day!
Oh God, sooboo!! That is horrible. I would have passed out, too!!
I can totally understand anyone’s aversion to the Opthomologist. *shudder* My youngest brother was born with severely crossed eyes and had major corrective surgery before he was even a year old. They had to go behind the eyeballs and cut muscle and of course a million micro-stictches later sent the poor little guy home. He had to have his arms inserted into paper towel tubes so that he wouldn’t try and rub his bloody red eyes that were itching as they healed up. Thank god for dissolving stitches and a coterie of brothers and sisters to watch him around the clock. Still wears thick specks or contacts but no longer the cross-eyed boy on the block. He is now the producer for KNST talk radio in Tucson Arizona along with being the floor producer for ABC TV channel 9 at the same time ! Talk about a work-a-holic ,jeeze. I can only imagine the headaches he must have had for his first year of life looking at his nose all of the time. So glad though that your ducts are doing better Jen. With your precarious eye situation it must have really kept you on edge with worry. Hope you are doing well these days !
– John in Phoenix
That’s quite a story!! Gah, it makes me feel terrible for being such a baby about my wussy little plugs! I’m well, John, and I hope you are well, too!
I have sarcoidosis and had to have all four of my eye holes done at once but my doctor numbed the hell out of my eyes and over the area where the tear duct was. The only thing that hurt was my brow where she steadied her palm while doing the work. This was awhile ago and two have fallen out, I didn’t notice how or when. The next step is to have the little duct permanently burnt shut but I’m freaked about doing anything permanent.
FUCK having it burned shut. OW OW OW OW OW