October 12th, 2010 | Author: trancejen
So, yeah. I’ve not been around. I’ve not been tweeting, Facebooking, updating, e-mailing, IMing, calling, using Morse code, or even utilizing smoke signals.
Where in the world have I been??
I’ve been here, dealing with some moderately heavy crap.
The J-Man, who seemed to start off the school year in such a promising manner, has taken a nosedive of astonishing depths; and really, this has consumed nearly all of my energy.
He made nearly all As at the difficult and demanding private school, so I must admit I expected him to sail through public school as if it were a cool breeze. At first, it seemed as if this would indeed happen.
Then his grades started to plummet. He is now sporting a handful of Cs and one D. This may not seem so dire, but in my house, it doesn’t fly. I have met with his teachers, and they all have said basically the same thing. He seems distracted. He farts around. He doesn’t pay attention.
Basically, he’s screwing around.
And no, he doesn’t have A-Fucking-D-D.
He gets roughly a half an hour’s worth of homework per night, compared to a good two hour’s worth at the private school. This should be a cakewalk. He is breezing through the homework, but flunking the tests. He’s turning in tests half-done, spacing out during tests, and forgetting to bring his books home to study.
I have been on his ass like white on rice.
Not only have his grades tanked, which is disturbing enough, but a few weeks ago, I received a disturbing e-mail from one of his teachers:
“I sincerely hope that you are feeling better. I was sorry to hear that you were in the hospital and could not make it to New York.”
Naturally, I wrote back, as I had not been hospitalized and had not planned any trip to New York.
Apparently my son had told the class that I had lost a sibling to the 9/11 attacks and that we were going to New York to commemorate the anniversary of the tragedy, but that I had been hospitalized, so our plans had been derailed.
What. The. Fuck.
Obviously I was floored, ashamed, and shocked.
I confronted the J-Man and he burst into tears. “I don’t know why I said it. It just came out.”
I’m sorry, but such a intricately fabricated story does not just “come out”.
I talked to him for about an hour regarding lying and how it is wrong, and how if you want to make up stories, you write them down on paper, et cetera, et cetera.
A week later, I met with his teachers, and we discussed the incident. The general consensus was that he was making up a story for attention. He has not yet made that many friends in school, just in the neighborhood with some younger kids, and perhaps he felt this was a way to garner attention or sympathy or something like that.
OK. I don’t quite get it, but OK.
Then his English teacher spoke up. “I wasn’t going to mention this, but there was a similar incident in my class.”
Oh, fuck.
“The J-Man told the class that you went camping Labor Day weekend.”
Lie.
“He said that the people in the cabin next to yours were murdered.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
I wanted to crawl beneath my chair and die.
Again, the teachers told me not to worry, that this was obviously some sort of ploy for attention, that other children had done similar things.
I wish it eased my fears.
I am taking him to a therapist. I’m not trying to jump the gun and automatically assume that Lord, The Child Is Crazy, but I do think he needs someone to talk to besides me. Obviously I’m not cutting the mustard.
Other than the lying and the grades, he seems fine. He is still a very loving child. He still acts reasonably well, and he still has a good sense of humor. I would never imagine that he was having these problems had the teachers not told me, and had his grades not been slipping.
I wish to God I knew what to do. I’ve been helping him study and checking his homework like a freak. I’ve been talking with him and trying to get to the root of his problems. Other than that, I am at a loss.
So, there’s that.
My stepdad’s mother passed away after slowly starting to slide downhill. She was 91 years old. She was a wonderful lady.
My stepdad is coping well. He wrote a beautiful poem that he read at the grave site.
The funeral was this weekend, and I was able to see all of my stepbrothers and my stepsister and their children together for the first time in ages. It was bittersweet.
We’re having a cookout next weekend, as we’ve decided it shouldn’t take a funeral for us all to get together.
I have lost an extraordinary amount of weight due to all of this stress and craziness. I suppose I can’t complain, but it is odd. I look in the mirror and am starting to see shades of what I looked like before I even was pregnant. It’s thoroughly bizarre. I’m trying not to let it fuel me to start adopting old, sick behaviors.
So that’s what’s happening. Please to not give assvice about the kid. I’m doing the best I can.
Happy Tuesday.
*Edited to say:
Believe me, I know that I normally write as if the sun shines out of my son’s ass, and I can honestly say that it usually does. I love my boy more than life itself – my happy, loving child – and he is a joy to me in every way. This is all a total shock to me and I don’t mean to paint him in a wholly negative light. He is having problems adjusting to life in the new house and the new school, and we will deal with it.
I was just looking at twitter thinking damn it’s been a month since Jen was around…I hope she is okay. Poor J-Man. I moved around a lot when I was a kid and did the same story telling on occasion to make myself more interesting around the cliques of kids who had been together since pre-school. Eventually, I just grew out of it but that’s cuz I never got busted either. I think a little therapy and him getting comfortable with himself as the new kid will be all it takes. I’m sending you good energy hoping to offset a little bit of the craziness. Take care of you too…I know what it is like to have that eating disorder demon on your shoulder saying–HEY I SEE YOU LOST SOME WEIGHT! WANNA SEE HOW MUCH FURTHER WE CAN TAKE THIS OLD PAL??
Fkng ED!!!! Take care of you!
Hang in there. I’m hoping for the best.
Have you considered that he may be bored at school? I remember when I went to a new school that had me use the same math text as I’d used two years before, the same reading text I’d used the previous year, and in general didn’t do a whole lot to engage my attention. I Was So Fucking Bored. (Ironically, it was a private school. A Catholic school. With uniforms and everything. Apparently, I found the dud of Catholic schools.) My parents pulled me out and put me back in public school after four months, and I got put into a class where I actually got to stretch my brain a wee bit, so that helped…until about eighth grade, when I wasn’t quite as challenged any more.
When I was 13 I started having seizures, went on phenobarbitol, and thus got through my high school years with minimum incidents…because I was stoned halfway out of my mind on doctor’s orders. Otherwise – yeah, I would have totally farted around and acted up and generally carried on cranky. Because I Was So Fucking Bored.
There has to be a way to get the J-Man unbored besides drugging. But it sounds to me like he’s not finding enough things to catch his interest, so he’s making up stories, he’s following thoughts in his own head because school isn’t interesting/challenging enough…he’s bored. I don’t know that skipping a grade is the answer. Maybe if the school has after-school activities, like a fun applied-science class (making a solar oven out of cardboard boxes and tinfoil), or something that’s up his alley. The therapist will have other suggestions, though, and they might make more sense. I’m just armchair-diagnosing from a great distance
Good luck to you both…!
Yeah, I had the same experience as Laughing Muse – switched schools to one with no gifted program after being in a gifted program for two years, and my grades & attendance immediately plummeted. We were doing stuff in grade 7 that I had done in grade 5, and even though it would be disgustingly easy to do it, I just couldn’t be bothered.
My parents skipped me ahead to grade 8 – and I don’t know if that was the best solution. I became a complete outcast (always a year younger than everyone else – yet still getting better grades than them), all the way up until I left high school.
Good luck to yourself & the j-man – you’re a great mom and he’s a great kid, I know you guys will be fine.
I’m really sorry you and the J-man are going through all this. I agree with the other commenters that he’s probably just not being challenged enough academically. I went through the same thing around his age. I think lots of intelligent people do. I remember my mom sitting me down in 8th grade and telling me in a very matter of fact matter that if I didn’t stop the downward grade spiral I was in, she’d send me to all the tutoring she could find so I’d have zero free time. She backed it up, too. One summer retaking Algebra while all my friends hit the pool adjusted my attitude.
Hey Jen,
Hang in there, though everyone else has said that. The J man will come out the other side of this well. He’s got what lots of other kids don’t have, a mom who cares and actively participates in his life. That’s worth a lot.
Hugs!
You have my sincere understanding in the stress you are going through with the kid. I am having some similar issues and it sucks. Here’s to it being a brief phase that will quickly become a thing of the past
Hmmmm…Moving into a new neighborhood & household, Public school-itis, PUBERTY (Uh-Oh) and adjusting to all new potential friends/enemies and classmates. Sounds like the J-man is in a kind of free fall from all of the sudden changes that are facing him. Puberty itself will fuck with a person’s ability to get through the day without mentally shutting down to quiet the chaos in the brain and emotions. I wouldn’t take Bill Gates billions to relive my teen years ! Good idea that you have on taking the J-man to a professional for guidence and help with all of this. A fresh prespective will really clarify things. Hang in there sweetie and keep being the GREAT Mother that you are and all of this will sort itself out in time. AND if you need to talk about the ED demon and need support just call me anytime, day or night and I promise to be here for YOU Jen. Major hug to you and the J-Man.
– John in Phoenix
I know its stressful right now, but you are 10 steps ahead than a lot of parents. You CARE! My child is roughly a year older than yours and he went through the same faze. I did a lot of smacking my own forehead and covering my face in shock and I lived through it, you will too.
And don’t fret, we all know you love your son and he really is a good kid and he’s just have a little problem right now.
Good luck and know we all in cyberland support you.
Just sending lots of hugs for you both.
I’m so sorry to hear that you guys are going through stuff but with all the changes it’s easy to understand. You are such a loving, dedicated, compassionate mom and the J-man is an awesome, interesting, loving kid and as someone else said, that counts for a lot when difficulties arise. And hey, only healthy people go to therapy, the unhealthy ones go into hiding/denial. Big props to you for sending him to one. Sending you both positive thoughts and light.
There are some good suggestions above, so I’ll just say hang in there. He’s a great kid and you’re a great mom; it’ll work out.
You do realize that puberty starts early, right? Between changes at home and changes in his little system, sometimes…stuff happens. Look, these teachers see stuff like this all the time and right now they are just grateful they are dealing with a caring involved parent-that’s YOU. It’ll all come out in the wash.
(hey, my kid bit the principal once. Years later, he’s a college grad and gainfully employed. Your kid will get thru this, and YOU will live thru it and have funny stories to tell. Believe me, hon, ten years from now this WILL be funny. I promise!)
No assvice, just saying I wish all my kids had a mom like you, I would be having a much easier time of it. Trust me, a few stories here and there ain’t nothing to what many of my freshmen are doing (not trying to minimize here just add a little perspective) I’m glad you are all over him about everything and you are getting an outside person for him to talk to. The combo of lots of big changes and puberty can really knock a kid for a loop. Hugs for both of you and I hope things get easier for everyone soonest.
Hugs, Jen. The commenters are right – at least he has a caring mom like you!
I used to make up stories like that, too. I wish my mom had cared half as much as you do!
Best of luck to you.
I’m also just sending a hug out to you and the J-Man. I agree that you sound like a fantastic mom, and I think you’re both going to come out of this okay in the end. (((((hugs)))))
Oh dear…I’m so sorry to hear this! I think that it’s FABULOUS that you’re comfortable enough to take him to a therapist without assuming that ‘nothing is wrong’. If only more parents were more in tuned to their children. That being said, it sounds pretty mild and like puberty/stress of the move/step dad ‘hating’ him as he says is taking it’s toll on him, but yes, it’s better to be safe than sorry and hopefully you guys can get it all worked out. You’re a wonderful mother and he’s lucky to have someone right by his side supporting him every step of the way; go you! I’m hopeful and sending a multitude of well wishes your way my friend. ::HUGS:: many times over for you, the J-Man, and your stepdad’s recent loss as well as TranceMom just b/c she rocks =)
Aye CARUMBA! life ain’t easy. just keep doin the best you can. and if that seems too rough, f-it! have a really good bloody mary to soothe ur soul! works for me anyway.
Hang in there Jen. You are a great Mom and J-Man is a great kid. There’s no doubt you love him. He really may be bored if his old school was tougher compared to his new school. Or he may have other things he’s struggling with because he’s in a new school and a new home (step dad). He’s gone through lot of changes this year. I think the therapy is a great idea because it will give him a chance to talk to a neutral person and will probably help to understand what’s going on with him. I think you’re both going to be fine. Hang in there!
Yes, hang in there and this too shall pass. Easy for us all to say but really, we love you…take care.
[[Hugs]] Hang in there Jen. Miss you!
We were a military family for 20 years and had to transition the children many times. Often, with an absent father who was a submariner. You’re on this situation and that’s what is most important! I do not feel as if a move and a change is schools is a tragic situation for children. In reality, it teaches them life coping skills. It sounds like you’re giving your son some new tools to work with and good direction. Keep it up! As a side note, despite some hiccups along the way, both of our children graduated at the top of their classes.
My oldest is 12 and we have our first therapy appointment today. She said “mom, I have so much anger in my tiny little body.” I think it goes back to being left on the street in China and being in an orphanage until we adopted her. The hormones are going curazee around here too. It will be okay. We’re raising good kids.
Thanks for all of your thoughts and comments. I appreciate them all. So far so good. Grades seem to be picking up a little, and so far he hasn’t picked off anyone from a bell tower. (ha) I will update again very soon.