There is wildlife out here, and I don’t mean the kind of wild life you call the cops about.

I’m used to noise, folks. I’m used to falling asleep to the strains of mariachi music or gangsta rap. Now, shit is QUIET. Aside from crickets and birds, there ain’t much happening in Indiana. You can occasionally hear a car going by, but I do mean occasionally. Like once every four hours.

I smoke out on the side porch, and next door (which houses a group of mentally disabled individuals, but I will tell stories about our interesting neighbors at a later date) in the backyard I saw a Creature.

At first, I had no fucking clue what this Creature could be. It was larger and fatter than a cat, and it had a small round head and a little tail.

Upon closer inspection, I noticed that it had a flat face. Was it a beaver? I thought not, because there was no water near us. I then came to the conclusion that it was a woodchuck.

A woodchuck.

We have woodchucks in my neighborhood.

I don’t even know what to make of that.

We also have gargantuan spiders. Now, I thought I knew from spiders. I did not. I was familiar with the Sout’ Side house spider; which, while occasionally terrifying and sometimes large, was NOTHING compared to the Indiana Outdoor Spider.

These spiders have leg hair and veiny eyeballs and large, blood-soaked teeth. They are so intimidating that I actually invited one in for a ham sandwich to avoid being mauled.

You don’t kill these spiders. These spiders kill you.

There are wasps and bees everywhere. Flies fly in the house every time you open the fucking door. I never had use for a flyswatter before. Now we have three.

A family of raccoons once trotted through the backyard. There is a large opossum that sometimes wanders up to the side porch. My stepdad calls him Jake.

I am about natured out, here.

In other news, my worries about the J-Man fitting in at the new school were completely unfounded. He loves it. He’s already met new friends, has people to sit with at lunch, and has a very cute girl in residence at the locker next to his. He couldn’t be more thrilled, and neither could I. He hasn’t missed the bus once yet, and he loves his teachers. He’s even been staying off of the computer to go outside and ride his bike with the neighbohood kids, which is a huge shocker.

Things are going swimmingly.

Nature notwithstanding, I’m glad we moved.

Happy Sunday.

11 Responses to “Critters and Such.”