I can’t begin to tell you how this small piece of metal in my nose has had the e-mail rolling in on the dating site. People mention it more often than not. I think it’s a Bad Girl factor. Nose ring = girl who will do very, very dirty things (I can neither confirm nor deny).

Yesterday I got an e-mail from some dude from the hood who said, and this is verbatim, mind you: “Your nose ring is hawt. Message me back.”

I haven’t yet replied, but I think I am going to send the following:

Dear Lover of Stainless Steel Body Modifications,

Thank you for both your interest and your whimsical creative spelling.

I find that several gentlemen are interested in the steel ring that pierces my nose, therefore I thought I’d take a moment and tell you all about it. It’s a 12-gauge ring crafted of fine surgical steel, and it was inserted by a lovely tattooed gentleman at a local tattoo shop near my home.

It did not cause me any pain, however, when the cork was inserted prior to the piercing I was rather uncomfortable due to the small size of my nostrils, which is evident in my profile photo.

People often ask me whether I ever get hardened mucus, or “boogers”, on my nasal piercing, which is a relevant and interesting question. It’s actually only happened once, and rather recently. I was sitting on the sofa watching television, and I felt a strange sensation, as if my nose ring was maladjusted. I went to turn it, and lo and behold! A large formation of hardened mucus was attached, much to my chagrin. I dealt with it in the usual way. Perhaps I should clarify that and say that I procured a Kleenex and removed said booger thusly and did not flick it away or pick it or eat it or anything in that vein, as one might imagine if one were a less sanitary type of person. As I have no idea what type of person you might be, I have no idea what direction your mind might take.

What else can I tell you about my nose ring? I can tell you that my mother vehemently disapproves of it. However, her opinion of my body art does not hold much weight with me, much to her great displeasure. My twelve-year-old son also believes that I would look much better without it. Obviously you disagree, which tells me that we would perhaps be suited for a long and fruitful relationship.

Obviously my nasal piercing signifies that I am of a highly sexual nature and am well-versed in the most carnal and depraved acts. This is exactly why I got it, and I am pleased that you have picked up on that. My level of sexual attractiveness has been raised exponentially with that small piece of metal, thank the gods, and for that I remain ever thankful. One of my greatest desires is to perform oral sex upon a man I don’t know very well in the front seat of a car on a first date, and I do hope that you will help me fulfill that desire in the very near future.

Hopefully I have both further piqued your interest and answered any questions you might have had about my piercing. I very much look forward to another message from you, as you seem to be the kind of man with whom I could have a serious future.

Respectfully,

Jen Trance

I think that’s totally appropriate.

Happy Thursday.

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