June 24th, 2010 | Author: trancejen
I have to see the psychiatrist today.
Now I’ve been accused of not giving the shrink a fair shake, and really, I don’t think that’s an accurate assessment. You have to understand my symbiotic relationship with the man.
I see him once every two or three months, he prescribes drugs, and I take them. The appointment goes down like this:
He asks me a few questions. Am I still living with my mother? Yes. Eternally. Do I have a boyfriend? Not anymore, bitch. How is my son? Hormonal. How is my health? Craptastic. How is my mental health? I haven’t climbed up on any rooftops with any Uzis lately, so everyone should be pleased.
Then he assesses my makeup. This is very important. I have learned during the course of our six-year relationship that makeup really matters to my doctor. If I have no makeup on, he will try to increase my medication load, for no makeup means I am deep in the dark depths of dire depression. Conversely, if I have artfully applied makeup, he will try to take away my precious anti-depressants, because I must be feeling great in order to beautify myself in such a manner.
I have learned to walk a very, very fine line and simply apply a small amount of makeup, just enough to look moderately alive but not too done-up as to look pretty. Because, as all women know, Pretty Means Healthy!!
I find this whole thing both ridiculous and hilarious and wonder if he treats all his female patients this way. Maybe he was taught this in med school. Makeup for Mental Health!
Blush for Bipolar!
Eyeshadow for Anxiety!
Dermablend for Depression!
Maybe he’s not really a flaming idiot. Maybe it’s just something they teach shrinks these days.
Imagine if I actually fixed my hair. I’d be off the meds for sure.
What the doctor consistently fails to “get” is that when I’m feeling great, it’s usually because my meds are working, and to take me off of them would be sort of stupid. Yet that is usually exactly what he wants to do.
One day I’m going to walk in there in full makeup, a hot dress, heels, and done-up hair, and tell him I’m completely suicidal just to fuck with his head.
That’ll learn him.
Happy Thursday.
yes, i am wearing a nice red sweater and mascara, but i need the valium to be able to put forth even that much effort.
does he really want me to come in with my 3 days uncombed hair, wearing sweatpants 2 sizes 2 big that have a permanent orange cheeto dust stain on the right leg and the old panama jack t-shirt with the holes where drain cleaner splashed up on me? with the unmatched traction socks?
i’m afraid that would get me committed to a nuthouse long enough so that i’d make enough potholders to start an etsy shop.
yes, there is a fine line between mussed up, gussied up and hussied up. i hope i never cross it.
Your shrink is a flaming idiot. Is there any way you can get another one under your insurance?
I rarely wear makeup, but I dress nicely, yet comfortably when I see my shrink. Interestingly enough, he pays attention to what I’m actually saying and what my body language is. And he hasn’t once tried to take me off my mental management meds because I might look better on one visit than I did on the previous visit (I go every two weeks).
heh, when my husband see’s his shrink and he’s happy, the shrink tells him the meds must be working.
So, if you put makeup on but in all the wrong spots, would that read as CRAZY?
(I worked with a woman who responded to dress code requirements that women wear makeup by wearing it all slightly off kilter – blush not quite on the cheeks, etc. – and it drove the [male] powers that be NUTS but they were too scared to call her on it. I thought it was hilarious and brilliant.)
I hate to break it to you but they ARE taught to look at your grooming, makeup, etc. Back when I had to partake of the crazymeds, I always kept that in mind.
I imagine in your case, because of the sheer number of meds for your various conditions, he’s looking for any excuse in the world to lessen the pharmacological party in your bloodstream, but I agree with you that if you are stable he needs to leave you the heck alone. PS I do hope he also sees that you get blood tests regularly to keep an eye on your liver function. Livers are important!
HAHAHAHAHA !!! I think it’s funny that your Psychiatrist would base your mental health on make-up. Jesus, Mary and Karen Carpenter – the thing that kills me is that you are dead-bang-on with your own asessment regarding HIS behavior. See, I told you that you are a SMART woman and I (All of us here) are right.
I say that we bring him half a dozen over the top Dragqueens in full dress regalia, suffering from Bi-polar depression and see what he prescribes for them. Probably give them Spanish Fly and MaryKaye Cosmetic’s emergency hotline phone number for a makeover.
Always keep the mental health experts (LOLOLOL) guessing dear and you will be just fine.
Loving you –
John in Phoenix
He’s not an idiot; he just doesn’t care.
@Amy! Your friend is my new hero!