I took the J-man to the pediatrician the other day to discuss the occasional vomiting that has been plaguing him lately.

I told the doctor exactly what was going on: No fever, no extreme pooping, no pain, no lethargy, just the odd barf here and there for no apparent reason.

He asked the J-Man whether he was having any problems at school, and the J-Man gave him a full rundown regarding the teasing. The doctor then asked him whether he was being threatened or HIT. I don’t know whether he meant at school or at home, but I was impressed, and I was even more impressed that the J-Man did not tell the doctor that I threaten him with a shoe at least once a week.

I guess he really doesn’t take me seriously. Damn.

Doctor: “Mom, do YOU have a history of stomach problems?”
Me: “Ha ha ha ha ha.”

I had to go through all of THAT, and when I told him that I had gastroparesis he immediately ordered a upper GI for the boy as well as a boatload of blood tests. We have to go to the ghetto hospital Saturday morning at 7 AM.

Damn, damn, damn.

You see, my child has such a pristine history of health (knocks wood soundly) that he has never had to go to the doctor for anything but a checkup. No bad colds, no bad flus, no hospital visits, NOTHING.

I know, I’m incredibly lucky. So is he.

Anyway, this means that he has never had to so much as pee in a cup or have a blood test. This means that he is downright terrified of needles.

“I’m not having a blood test.”
“If you need one, you are.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You are.”
“I will chew through the restraints.”
“They’re not going to restrain you. They’re just going to tie a thing around your arm-”
“-LA LA LA I’M NOT LISTENING!!!!”
“You’re being silly. I have blood tests all the time. It’s very simple.”
“I’m not having one. And I’m not drinking barium.”
“It’s like a milkshake.”
“It probably tastes like crap.”
“It will be no big deal, trust me.”
“I’m not doing it.”

So this is the attitude we’re going in with, and I am highly nervous.

The kid doesn’t even want to pee in a cup, and that’s pretty much the easiest thing in the world for a boy.

While he is usually very well-behaved, I am having nightmares about a screaming, whirling dervish of a thrashing Tasmanian devil-child that I am going to have to bodily restrain.

That won’t be much fun for either of us.

I just hope everything is OK, and that, God forbid, he doesn’t have gastroparesis or something of its ilk.

I’ve been so spoiled with my easy, easy baby.

In other news, Alice the hamster got out of her ball the other day and walked across two full rooms past three hungry cats without any of us noticing until she strolled in front of the television, prompting all of us to become airborne and collectively scream.

Lucky, lucky hamster.

Happy Friday.

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