…And the angels said AAAAALLELUIA!

I lost twelve pounds last week.

I’m pretty damned excited.

It sounds pretty extreme, but hey, those bitches on The Biggest Loser drop like twenty-five pounds a week, so I figure my non-toiling ass can drop twelve.

I stayed on the liquid diet for three days and after that I kept my calories between eight hundred and a thousand, and I drank about two gallons of water a day to stave off the hunger.

I have to tell you, it’s working perfectly. I don’t feel hungry, and I am writing down everything I eat so as to keep track.

This week I am going to begin exercising. I’m going to start out small, with say, a half an hour on the treadmill every day, and then eventually increase it to an hour a day with some Pilates thrown in for good measure.

I feel pretty good.

This makes a total of 28 pounds lost for me, and I think I’m doing it in a healthy and very aware fashion, eating every few hours rather than binging and purging or just plain starving.

I’m eating a lot of cereals and yogurt and fruits and vegetables and soup, and I’m drinking a lot of tea.

I am drinking so much water that I have to pee every four and a half minutes, but my skin has never looked so great. Bonus.

So, I’m just going to keep on keepin’ on, and I’m going to talk to my doctor about it next time I see him to get a thumbs-up, which I’m sure I will, because the general consensus among my doctors has always been that Jen Is Too Fat To Live.

In other news, the J-Man had a weekend school project, in which he needed to create a musical instrument. We made a double-ended guitar, which I must admit was difficult but pretty damned wicked all the same.

In still other news, Alice the hamster very nearly met with an untimely death.

I was holding and petting her on the couch, because I must admit I have become somewhat attached to the little rodent, and suddenly she leaped off of my lap and onto the sofa, and dashed maniacally into the small space between the couch cushions that was created by my big ass.

Now.

We have one of those couches that pop out into recliners. Therefore space abounds underneath. However, could I pop the mechanism and rescue the hamster without squashing her in the process? More importantly, could I get to her before the cats, who were circling around like vultures?

My child moaned in the background. “YOU LOST HER.”

I held my breath, popped the mechanism, and that fucking hamster walked right up to me, the same time as the fat cat, who smacked her with a paw. Hard.

I grabbed her and stuffed her into her cage. Then I got her a baby carrot for good measure. “Good Alice. Good hamster.” “Goooood.”

It was a tense moment, especially since the J-Man’s friend recently told him a lovely story about finding HALF a hamster on the floor, mauled by the family cat.

I will be much more careful with the little bugger in the future.

I probably should also stop feeding her Chee-tos. She’s huge.

Happy Monday.

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