The damned hamster, Alice, stays up all damned night.

The J-Man came tearing into my room at two AM Christmas Eve, moaning, “I CAN’T SLEEEEEEP!”

The thing was gnawing on the bars. Gnawing toward freedom.

I should explain this hamster cage. The damned hamster cost ten bucks. The cage was fifty dollars. It boasts three levels, an attached travel cage (as if), and tunnels.

I didn’t think the fat little thing would even begin to fit in the tunnels, but it squashes itself into them.

I spent about two hours assembling the cage, and there was much swearing. I don’t mean to disparage direction makers, as I’m sure they hold the most boring jobs in the universe, but they all have the IQs of said hamster.

Patience? We are all out.

So, the J-Man slept on the couch for a couple nights to escape its buck-toothed machinations, but last night I figured I’d put the thing in my room.

Perhaps it would freeze to death.

Heh.

Really I just wanted my kid to sleep in his own bed.

I cleared off a spot on my dresser and gave the thing a few baby carrots, hoping that it would gnaw on them instead of the bars, put my iPod on, and turned off the lights.

*rumble rumble rumble*

I took my iPod out of my ears and went to have a look. It was tearing around its wheel like a miniature Flo-Jo, but it wasn’t anywhere as bad as the sound of tiny teeth on metal bars. I was able to sleep in my normal, comatose state.

This morning I transported Alice back to the J-Man’s room, where she immediately fell sound asleep.

Great. I have a hamster with its nights and days mixed up. I couldn’t even figure that one out when I had a baby.

I’m thinking of either covering the cage during the day so that it thinks it’s nighttime and stays up, or putting in light in front of the cage at night so it thinks it’s daytime and sleeps.

Any ideas would be heartily appreciated. Either I come up with something, or I am going to give it a sliver of Trazodone.

That ought to work.

Christmas was beautiful and joyous and awesome and all that crap. We had my stepdad, my dad, my sister and the kids, and of course, the kid from down the street.

Who sends their kid to someone’s house for nine hours on Christmas Day? The people down the street, that’s who. I never heard of such a thing.

I received a beautiful white coat from the J-Man, which I dearly love but which will probably be charcoal grey in no time.

The J-Man got a Wii from my father, bless his heart, and played Wii Sports so long yesterday that his arms ache today.

I was pretty into it myself. I suck at baseball and golf, but I did pretty well at bowling and tennis.

Don’t even get me started on Super Mario Brothers. I could play it all damned day.

Anyway, I hope all of you had happy holidays.

I am completely ignoring my birthday tomorrow and will instead hold at thirty-five for the rest of my life.

Ahem.

Happy Sunday.

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