December 9th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
So, my mom and stepdad bailed my sister out, and she has been here every day since.
Today, I had enough. I literally stayed downstairs in the cave and didn’t answer the door.
This probably sounds stupid as well as heartless, but I have had ENOUGH. She’s not even attempting to look for a job, she’s making a few halfhearted calls to charity to look for help with a security deposit, never mind the fact that they can’t afford rent and utilities, and I’m just done.
I don’t want to constantly help someone who doesn’t even make the slightest attempt to help herself and her family.
She dumped the two oldest kids at their paternal grandmother’s weeks ago, but to the best of my knowledge she has not even gone over to visit them. Why the fuck not? I have no idea.
These kids don’t deserve to go through this shit. They really don’t.
I don’t understand why she isn’t looking for work. She could get a job working seasonal help at some sort of retail place. She could waitress or even wash dishes. Something.
It just stresses me the fuck out, and I don’t need it. I don’t need her and her boyfriend coming around here, stressing my mother out, either. My mother’s been sick a whole lot lately, and it has me worried. She doesn’t need to be supporting three more people.
I’m just really angry and really fed up. I don’t know. I need to start Christmas shopping, getting in the mood for Christmas, but I’m so tense I haven’t been able to muster up any holiday spirit whatsoever.
I just wish to God she would get her shit together and think about her kids, and not expect everyone else to take up the slack.
I don’t know. I’m not going to continue hiding in my basement like a chump. I need to be straight with her and just tell her she can’t squat here every day just because the people she’s staying with are getting fed up.
I’m going to have to grow a set and just do it.
Anyway.
Nothing much else is going on, thank God. I’m just trying to get through the holidays.
How are YOU?
Happy Wednesday.
My sister had my parents wrapped around her little finger for YEARS. She disappeared in 2003, and it’s only now that they are going to cut her off next month. (And I won’t believe it ’till I see it!) It pisses me off to no end that she is milking them for money, and feels she is entitled to do so. And her boyfriend hasn’t had a job in over a year either!
It’s okay to draw the line in the sand with your sister. You have to look after yourself, and your son too.
It’s sad, but it made my life easier to just stop expecting anything from my sister. If you do have any energy or resources to spare with this whole crazy situation, I think your sister’s kids could use it the most.
If you’re a heartless bitch, then I’m a frozen, soulless, heartless bitch, because I would have left her in jail. I’ve had similar problems with family members and friends, and I’ve come to the conclusion that until they stop expecting everyone to pick up their slack, they won’t do any of it themselves. Consequences. They work.
I’m sorry this is coming down on you and your mom. If you need to get in the Christmas spirit, just remember that Jesus wasn’t down with slackers either: “…whoever wishes to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you must be your slave; just as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many”. Matthew 20:26b-28
I wonder how easy it will be for your sister to get a job. I’m assuming she has limited work history and without a permanent address or phone number, it would be hard to get employment.
Perhaps she lacks confidence in herself. Could she be suffering from depression? Maybe she just needs a little positive reinforcement. I can’t imagine being that far down, it would seem almost impossible to get ahead.
Or, she could just be a slacker.
Either way, I feel for her children.
If she were even trying to get work, putting in applications, something, I would imagine she’d be all right. She could use this address, and she knows that. Plus, you don’t have to be overly qualified to wash dishes or work fast food. Anything, you know?
Ugh. There are no words. I don’t blame you for being pissed.
Yep. Not cool. Not cool at all. What a bummer for the holidays.
You aren’t a heartless bitch. There is a huge difference between handouts and a hand up. Most people are generous in deed and spirit when someone is working hard to help themselves and are quick to offer a hand up. I consider your feelings to be quite reasonable under the circumstances. So here’s the real deal. Why allow her behavior and presence to steal your personal contentment and joy? Why should your happiness be based on what she does or does not do? I encourage you to rise above it! I acknowledge that it isn’t easy. I think you can do it.
You know, when I was married his mother had issues. She was evicted from 7 apartments in the 6 years we were together. She was living with us for 13 months when we lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with a baby boy… she took over his room and he slept in the living room for the first 13 months of his life….She would get a great job, work at it for a little while, do stupid things like buy a brand new car, get a credit card or 6 and then quit the job because she didn’t like a policy or a person who worked there. After a few months, evicted again, knocking on our door, asking for money…. car repo’d etc…. it sucked. Until one day I had enough. Nothing we did would help. Finally we stopped helping her. His sister stopped talking to her. She lived in homeless shelters. Cruel? yes. But had to be done. Here we are 6 years after we were divorced and she is STILL having the same problems. The difference this time is that she is not my problem anymore. His new girlfriend has to deal with the calls, moving her 47 times (most recently this past weekend) etc etc…..
The point is, sometimes there is no helping them. You have to start thinking about YOU and YOUR house. I know she’s your sister. I know its hard… but if you keep feeding the beast, the beast will always be hungry. In this case, I think there is no helping your sister. As long as those kids are safe, which it sounds like they are….. maybe its time to say “when”……
Do what’s right for you. It’s time you did.
Hugs.
You want heartless?
Why did your parents bail her out? Jail is the best place for her.
From the eavesdropping I’ve done on the situation through this blog, it sounds to me like your family has done what they can to support her, give her options, and give her a starting over place. But beyond that, you’re actually doing her a disservice by not marching upstairs and telling her she needs to get moving, NOW. If you want to continue to help, I’d recommend putting conditions on it. Set a minimum number of job applications per day/week. Establish a minimum set of house rules, and they need to go beyond just being housebroken. It includes being considerate, and going to visit her kids. Set a maximum stay, hard deadline, you’re out the door on such and such date PERIOD so start looking.
Call her out on her behavior. Put consequences on it. You’re still giving her a chance to show her some responsibility. Knowing that she’s working towards making it better might ease the strain of having her there. And if she doesn’t work towards it? Out.
You are not heartless. I’d be standing with the other commenters above who left her in jail.
Sometimes, someone has to be allowed to hit rock bottom (and stay there) before they can find a way to crawl up.
In a previous comment I was just being a smart-mouth when I suggested she’d get room and board if she stayed in jail, but since then I’ve heard from some homeless folks who deliberately try to commit some offense to get thrown in jail just for that reason. So maybe leaving her in jail would actually be the most loving-kindness thing you could do.
I would have left her in jail. And I agree with the commenter who said give her limits, conditions and a deadline. If she won’t act like a respinsible adult, treat her like a child. You wouldn’t let your son act so irresponsibly, and being a good parent you would insist on forward progress. Sadly, it seems like you’ll have to parent another child unless you cut her off completely.
You’re not heartless…and don’t let her convince you otherwise. I would definitely want to know wtf she did and why…and I would let mom and step-dad know your feelings on the matter, too. Sigh. I’m sorry ::HUGS::