Archive for November, 2009
November 27th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
Tom Waits said it best:
Step right up, step right up, step right up,
Everyone’s a winner, bargains galore
That’s right, you too can be the proud owner
Of the quality goes in before the name goes on
One-tenth of a dollar, one-tenth of a dollar, we got service after sales
You need perfume? we got perfume, how ’bout an engagement ring?
Something for the little lady, something for the little lady,
Something for the little lady, hmm
Three for a dollar
We got a year-end clearance, we got a white sale
And a smoke-damaged furniture, you can drive it away today
Act now, act now, and receive as our gift, our gift to you
They come in all colors, one size fits all
No muss, no fuss, no spills, you’re tired of kitchen drudgery
Everything must go, going out of business, going out of business
Going out of business sale
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Don’t settle for less
How do we do it? how do we do it? volume, volume, turn up the volume
Now you’ve heard it advertised, don’t hesitate
Don’t be caught with your drawers down,
Don’t be caught with your drawers down
You can step right up, step right up
That’s right, it filets, it chops, it dices, slices,
Never stops, lasts a lifetime, mows your lawn
And it mows your lawn and it picks up the kids from school
It gets rid of unwanted facial hair, it gets rid of embarrassing age spots,
It delivers a pizza, and it lengthens, and it strengthens
And it finds that slipper that’s been at large
under the chaise lounge for several weeks
And it plays a mean Rhythm Master,
It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
And it’s only a dollar, step right up, it’s only a dollar, step right up
‘Cause it forges your signature
If not completely satisfied, mail back unused portion of product
For complete refund of price of purchase
Step right up
Please allow thirty days for delivery, don’t be fooled by cheap imitations
You can live in it, live in it, laugh in it, love in it
Swim in it, sleep in it,
Live in it, swim in it, laugh in it, love in it
Removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets, that’s right
And it entertains visiting relatives, it turns a sandwich into a banquet
Tired of being the life of the party?
Change your shorts, change your life, change your life
Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy, get rid of your wife,
And it walks your dog, and it doubles on sax
Doubles on sax, you can jump back Jack, see you later alligator
See you later alligator
And it steals your car
It gets rid of your gambling debts, it quits smoking
It’s a friend, and it’s a companion,
And it’s the only product you will ever need
Follow these easy assembly instructions it never needs ironing
Well it takes weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff,
Gives you dandruff, and it finds you a job, it is a job
And it strips the phone company free take ten for five exchange,
And it gives you denture breath
And you know it’s a friend, and it’s a companion
And it gets rid of your traveler’s checks
It’s new, it’s improved, it’s old-fashioned
Well it takes care of business, never needs winding,
Never needs winding, never needs winding
Gets rid of blackheads, the heartbreak of psoriasis,
Christ, you don’t know the meaning of heartbreak, buddy,
C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon
‘Cause it’s effective, it’s defective, it creates household odors,
It disinfects, it sanitizes for your protection
It gives you an erection, it wins the election
Why put up with painful corns any longer?
It’s a redeemable coupon, no obligation, no salesman will visit your home
We got a jackpot, jackpot, jackpot, prizes, prizes, prizes, all work guaranteed
How do we do it, how do we do it, how do we do it, how do we do it
We need your business, we’re going out of business
We’ll give you the business
Get on the business end of our going-out-of-business sale
Receive our free brochure, free brochure
Read the easy-to-follow assembly instructions, batteries not included
Send before midnight tomorrow, terms available,
Step right up, step right up, step right up
You got it buddy: the large print giveth, and the small print taketh away
Step right up, you can step right up, you can step right up
C’mon step right up
(Get away from me kid, you bother me…)
Step right up, step right up, step right up, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon
Step right up, you can step right up, c’mon and step right up,
C’mon and step right up
November 26th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
My mother picked today to become violently, shockingly ill, and is currently in her room under five blankets, puking into a bowl. This, after puking all over the bed. And the floor. And the rug. I have cleaned more puke today than I know what to do with.
I generally am the Designated Side Dish Woman, not the Turkey Cooker, so I’m slightly afraid that the damned thing will be either over- or under-done, but I am totally flying solo today, so I hope that people will understand if it’s not a Perfect Bird.
I am worried about my mom and personally think that we need to go to Immediate Care, but she is having none of it. She’s just lying there, hair in total disarray, puking and groaning.
I have no idea whether my sister and her boyfriend and kids are going to show up, and truthfully I’m sort of hoping that they don’t. My mother doesn’t need the stress.
My stepdad, upon hearing this news, is undoubtedly going to flip out. He likes things the way they are and have always been, ad infinitum, and will not take kindly to a Mom-free Turkey Day.
I have green bean casserole and sweet potatoes in the oven, the turkey is done (I hope), and I’m working on the other sides as we speak.
The puking is sort of distracting me, though.
I hope that the J-Man and I don’t get this, whatever it is, and that she feels better soon. She looks fucking miserable.
Anyway, I hope that you all have a very happy Turkey Day, and if you’re the praying kind, send one up for my wee little mother.
Happy Thanksgiving.
November 25th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
This sure is going to be a stressful Thanksgiving. Will my sister show? I have no idea. Where is she? Don’t know that, either.
I’m just going to try to relax (drink) and have fun. That’s what it’s all about. We’re having a small (possibly large, should my sister show) family dinner. I’m cooking a turkey. It should be nice.
This year I am particularly grateful for my family, as crazy as they are, and for my kid, who makes every day a never-ending trip.
Happy Thanksgiving. I am also grateful for all of you. I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
November 25th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
So, my sister.
She showed up two nights ago to inform us that she and her boyfriend had been evicted.
Thankfully they had enough money to put their shit in storage, but they don’t have enough money to get their broken-down car fixed OR get another apartment.
They found a place to stay Monday night, but she sent the two older kids to stay with their paternal grandmother so that they could still go to school. Baby-Daddy Number One is still in jail.
She showed up yesterday morning with the baby and Baby-Daddy Number Two. He had to walk an hour and a half away to go to work, and she planned to just stay here.
The issue with this is that my stepfather was coming over, and he has a Problem with all of this. He barely accepts his daughter, let alone her half-black children. It’s sad.
She made a few calls to some apartment buildings and generally just sort of sat around with me and watched movies.
The baby is so cute. So cute. It breaks my heart that she’s starting out life like this.
At about six, Baby-Daddy Two shows up, home from work, and parks it on the couch, too. He starts to make calls to find another place to stay, because apparently the place they stayed Monday night said, “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.”
At this point I was getting nervous, so nervous that at one point I actually puked.
We just don’t have the room for them. At all. Nor do we have the money to get their car fixed or pay for a security deposit for them for a second time. They didn’t actually ask for money this time, but the question was pretty much hanging in the air.
My stepdad was livid. He wound up actually leaving and going home, barely talking to them at all.
Finally at about ten o’clock last night, someone came and picked them up, but I believe they are coming over here again today.
I don’t know what to do for my sister. She doesn’t appear to be looking for a job, even though she could get free child care through the city. She doesn’t say much about this whole situation.
Her boyfriend actually told me that his family hates her and thinks she’s mooching off of him and using him for money. They apparently told him to kick her to the curb a long time ago.
The guy is so stressed out that I’m worried he’ll do it, and then what?
I don’t know. I’m mainly worried for the kids. It’s such a fucking mess.
In other news, a friend and reader of mine is up shit’s creek, and I wonder whether anyone can help.
Mo was mugged and had money orders stolen that were supposed to pay for her rent, health insurance, and car insurance. She’s out quite a bit of cash and asked whether I could post a link to her Paypal account, should any of you be in a position to help her out with a few bucks.
I appreciate this. Thank you.
The Paypal email is as follows: used.yet.new@gmail.com
I’m thinking of you, Mo.
In still other news, I am emotionally exhausted. More news later.
Happy Wednesday.
November 23rd, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I had a blast this weekend.
My girlfriend V’s party Friday night was a lot of fun. Tons of people showed up to hang and sing karaoke and generally act ridiculous. There were lots of people from high school at the bar, so much so that I felt as if I was having some fourth-period-ditching flashback. I have some pictures from this event, but will only post them if I get permission from the participants.
Some people actually prefer privacy.
V got a lot of great gifts, including a giant sperm filled with hazelnut liqueur. Interesting.
The Pixies concert was a whole lot of awesome. We got off at the wrong red line stop due to my hyperactive idiocy and walked to meet my friend Bibliogrrl at her bus.
Bibliogrrl recently shaved her head to raise money for cancer awareness. She still looks as cool as hell.
The opening band was Jay Reatard (That’s how he spells it), which was pretty good, but the Pixies came on afterward and pretty much blew everybody away.
I’m no music critic, so I won’t rhapsodize on and on about it, but it was a truly great show.
They played Doolittle in its entirety, along with a lot of B-sides, and featured some cool little movies with all of the songs. They came out for three encores, and I was screaming myself hoarse.
Everybody pretty much looks the same. Kim Deal is still as hot as ever. Black Francis is sort of chubby, but he still rocks out.
Unfortunately I forgot all about bringing my camera until I was on the train, or I would have had great pictures.
It was HOT in the Aragon. Steaming hot. Standing there for a good two hours in the steaming heat, I was SURE I was going to pass out, but miraculously I didn’t! Score. I seriously attribute this to the taking of diet pills, which is bringing me normal blood pressure for the first time ever. Normally there’s no way I could stand for that long of a time.
The J-Man, however, is a hot mess.
He seemed to be rallying this weekend, but last night he started to barf all over again. I would take him to the doctor, but I don’t think they’re going to do anything for him but look at me sort of sarcastically and say, “It’s the flu, dumbass.”
I love pediatricians.
Therefore we are sitting here on our respective computers, lounging. I am recovering from the weekend, and he is recovering from HellFlu.
I’m pretty damned glad I got a flu shot right about now.
Happy Monday.
November 20th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
Since I’ve been losing weight, my weight seems to be shifting somehow, probably due to the unaccustomed exercise, and I seem to be carrying all of my weight in my boobs.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Poor Trance.
There are problems with being a big-boob-ed-ed(this is how we say it in the ‘hood) girl, though.
None of my shirts fit without gaping in the front, and I am really not that anxious to flash the general population.
NONE of my bras fit, and as a result, I have what I like to refer to as “double-boob”, in which my boobs hang over the outside of the cups and give the appearance of me having four boobs.
VERY attractive, I know.
Not to mention the whole guy-staring-at-the-rack thing. I know I have a big rack, but for shit’s sakes, could you at least TRY to look me in the face while talking to me? Jesus. Even my father, as much as it chokes me to admit, has made a comment about my rack. That was enough to plonk me into therapy for another five years.
I would rather have my formerly small and modestly-boobed frame back. During the days of eighties’ modeling, I used to have to prop them up with tape in order to give the appearance that I had any boobs at all. Now I’ve seriously considered taping them DOWN.
It’s a conundrum, for sure.
download Dangerous Liaisons dvd The J-Man is home sick today after puking twice at school. Hopefully it isn’t swine flu. He looks a little peaked, so I made him get off the computer and lie down, much to his chagrin.
Tonight is the big birthday party for my girlfriend V. at the local watering hole, where I will sing karaoke and generally make an ass out of myself all around.
Tomorrow night is the Pixies concert. Historically I don’t take pictures at concerts because I hate to bother, but I think tomorrow I will try to get some good shots of the band.
I really can’t wait.
Contract Killers dvd In other news, I baked about a thousand cookies for my stepdad’s birthday today, and it is taking every ounce of willpower I have not to go and stick my entire head in the Tupperware and stuff my face with their white-chocolatey goodness.
I will remain strong, though. I must.
My poor stepdad is allergic to chocolate, so I have to give him this small favor.
In still other news, I had a particularly hot and truly bizarre sex dream starring Nathan Fillion. I’m not complaining.
Romeo + Juliet hd Take me away, Captain Mal Reynolds. I will be your beck-and-call girl.
Happy Friday.
November 19th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
You should have SEEN me rip open that bottle of Cymbalta last night. I was like the crackiest of crackheads.
The poor J-Man. What he must think…
Fashion this fall is so up my alley. Baggy ‘boyfriend’ jeans? Flannels? Schlumpy cardigans? It’s as if grunge has come back, and I for one could not be more thrilled.
I also love the resurgence of hooker shoes, and actually bought a pair a couple months ago:
AW YEAH
Sadly, they hurt like a bitch, and while in Minneapolis I was forced to take them off during dinner and walk bare-footed back to the hotel, where I gladly threw them into my suitcase and pulled out my beloved ballet flats.
I cannot suffer for fashion.
My stepfather’s birthday is coming up this weekend, and all he wants from me are peanut butter cookies, which he inhales at an alarming rate despite his ridiculously thin frame.
download Hairspray dvd He likes them to be slightly burned. I have ruined many a cookie sheet burning these damned things for him, but he eats them with love, so, why not?
So that is what I will be doing today, plus washing all of my bedding, plus preparing to work on this mother of an art project the J-Man told me about at the last minute. Grrr.
My kid is an easy-going, carefree kind of guy, and as a result he forgets that I am an insane, type-A kind of mom who HATES to do things at the last minute and will spend the entire evening loudly saying, “You SHOULD have done this LAST WEEK.”
It’s beyond frustrating.
In other news, my mom and stepdad are plotting to make me get rid of the Bad Cat before we move.
There’s just no fucking way I’m getting rid of this cat, people. No way, no how. I seriously love this animal more than it’s healthy to love an animal, and she is NOT going to go.
Wyatt Earp: Return to Tombstone film
She persists in attacking the other cats, canned air be damned, and the yowls and howls can probably be heard a block away.
STILL. I love her. She is sweet. She lays on my bed at night and purrs loudly. When I fall down, she comes over and licks the back of my head. She meows upon command. Seriously. I love this animal.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame II buy
It has also been dictated that I cannot paint the ugly basement paneling in my stepdad’s lair red. In fact, I cannot paint the ugly basement paneling at all. “It’s real wood!” they shriek.
I don’t give a damn whether rare and beautiful redwoods died to make that fucking paneling. It’s UGLY.
Perhaps I will “accidentally” spill some paint, thereby making it necessary to paint the whole mess of it.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over being a teenaged rebel.
Happy Thursday.
November 18th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I’ve been off of my anti-d’s for a few days now, thanks very much to Herr Doktor, who refuses to either call me back or refill my shit, and now I am having serious shock-like sensations in my BRAIN.
My ex, who is going to school for psychiatric nursing, explained this phenomenon to me in words I could not understand like “myelin sheath” and “neurotransmitters”. Apparently he thinks I am smart.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose download
Anyway, I guess this is a pretty common thing, but it hurts like holy fuck, and I guess I’m going to have to either rob a pharmacy today or go to the office my damn self.
Also, I’m never ever going off of this shit. Not only does it help tremendously, it actually HURTS to be without it.
Have you ever had this happen? Because I know that half of y’all are on drugs, too. In fact, psychiatric drugs should be a fucking requirement for you to read this page.
download Three Can Play That Game movie I took a Vicodin earlier, which seemed to help for a while, but now I’m having almost constant brain zaps.
Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day divx It’s like electroshock therapy without the machine.
On second thought, maybe this *isn’t* such a bad thing.
Antz divx Happy Wednesday. Again.
November 18th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
Just went to the fancy eye doctor and was told not to wear contacts for a few weeks, as my nasty eye-rosacea has returned. Damn damn damn.
I have a minor crush on the eye doctor, though, so I will pretty much do anything he says. Put five different medicines in my eye five times a day? Sure! Stand on my head in the corner? Why not?
He’s kind of hot. He has what is probably the worst haircut I’ve ever seen, but he still pulls it off.
He’s married, of course.
Three more days until the Pixies, and I am practically salivating. The day before that is my girlfriend’s party at a local dive that has karaoke, so that should be pretty interesting, too.
Here’s a tip: When you have a bottle of nail polish that won’t open, don’t crack it against the coffee table in hopes of loosening it somehow. This is a Very Bad Idea, and your coffee table? It will be coated in a thin sheen of Bordeaux.
Not that I did that or anything. That would have been stupid, and I am Queen of the Good Decision.
Right.
In other news, there is no other news.
It’s been a slow week. Forgive me.
Happy Wednesday.
November 15th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I have done nothing of consequence and absolutely nothing productive all weekend except for some light reading – Frank Portman’s Andromeda Klein.
This is partially because I have had nothing to do and partially because I’m saving myself for next weekend, in which I have a birthday party and also the Pixies concert to look forward to.
I can’t flipping wait for the Pixies, really.
I deleted my dating site profile after receiving a message from someone containing this superb little bon mot:
“hey u look like you like 2 fuck”
That was special.
Plus, I realized that I’m just not there. Part of me would love to date, if “dating” constitutes getting to know someone and being wined and dined and all that happy horse crap, but part of me is afraid of jumping back into a relationship. I don’t really need a relationship. I don’t really want a relationship. I’m not really ready for a relationship, and therefore why should I fuck around and get myself into one? Things ALWAYS seem to morph into a relationship too quickly for my taste, and I would really rather just be free right now.
I wouldn’t mind sex, but casual sex seems so not worth the hassle. There’s diseases and stalkers and psychos and weirdness and what have you.
I don’t know.
My old roommate tells me I just need a bed-buddy. This would actually be a supreme arrangement, in my mind – someone to sleep with occasionally with no strangling ties and no weirdness, someone who I’m cool with and is cool with me.
This is obviously not easy to find.
Plus, is that whorish? I don’t know. I don’t think it would be whorish – it is an arrangement of sorts between two consenting adults, after all – but it could be viewed as sort of whorish.
Part of me could not give less of a shit whether I’m whoring or not, considering the fact that I am a Grown-Assed Woman, but part of me is still in high school and doesn’t want to be viewed as a tramp.
So, yeah. I’m done with OK C(St)upid.
Plus, I am hardcore into this dieting/fitness frenzy at the moment, and GOD would it be boring to date me. All I eat is cereal, and all I talk about is fat fat fat fat fat. Boring!
I am slimming down, though, and that’s a good thing. The same old roommate I talked about earlier was also kind enough to inform me that if I got the “bangin’” body back that I used to have, men would be lining up around the block.
Maybe that’s true, I don’t know.
I did have a bangin’ body, though, at one time. Maybe one day it will be bangin’ again.
“Bangin’” is a stupid term.
The J-Man would like to see me dating again – hell, the J-Man would like to see me MARRIED, for shit’s sake – and my mother would like to see me dating again, but I don’t think it’s the right time. I think I’ll know when the right time is. I think I’ll learn more about what I’m actually looking for if I take a very healthy chunk of time off from men.
It’s hard for me to suss out what qualities I want in a man when I’m not in a place that I think I DESERVE a truly quality man. Part of that is enmeshed with my weight, and part of it is simply attributed to the fact that I’m still on disability and not working.
Would I date my chubby, seizure-having self? It’s likely that I wouldn’t. I like myself fine, but I can see clearly that I am bored most of the time and thereby have become as neurotic as hell and totally obsessed with my body, and that’s a lot for any man to deal with.
I don’t know.
Would YOU date me?
You would, wouldn’t you?
That’s why I love you, dear internet friends.
Happy Sunday.
