October 29th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I’m considering putting up an online dating profile.
Seriously, this scares me more than words can say.
I have had some previous bad luck with online dating in the past, way back before I met D. There was the guy that presented himself as “athletic, tall, and fun!” who looked and sounded like the fat kid from the Simpsons and simply stared at me througout our entire meal. Fun!
Then there was the guy who showed up wearing two-inch ear plugs. I stupidly asked, “What happens to your ears when you take them out?” He took them out, and there were Rubberband Ear Flaps, people. It was horrifying.
Don’t post 12-year-old pictures of yourself on your online dating profile, people. Your paramours are going to find out what you actually look like soon enough.
(says the girl who has posted only the most universally flattering picture of herself on her personal website)
Then there was the guy who tried to stick his hand down my pants in the car on our first date. That went over well, Rapey McRaperson.
Then there was the guy who took me out to a club and proceeded to snort bumps of coke until his eyeballs protruded.
And then there was the guy who asked me to show up at his door wearing only lingerie and an overcoat.
Obviously ninety percent of these guys are just in it for the sex. Not that I’m anti-sex by a long shot, but damn, can’t a girl get a first date?
There is also the matter of the profile. Who am I? What am I looking for? If I were being honest, it would go a little something like this:
I am a thirty-five year old single mom who occasionally falls under the spell of Brainfuck, which is to say that I spend more than the average amount of time falling down for your personal enjoyment. I live on the south side and do not drive, so that you may also enjoy the act of Picking My Ass Up. (can’t you just feel the e-mails rolling in??)
My body type is I Could Care Less, and I have dyed-dark hair and blue eyes.
I like to read, craft, knit, make jewelry, go to rock shows, eat food that is bad for me, drink at the punk rock bar, dance, go to burlesque shows and roller derby and anything else featuring girls kicking ass, hang out with my awesome kid, go to the movies, travel, and buy shoes that I can’t afford.
I am looking for a non-insane non-drug user without any mommy issues. You should be clean and relatively neat with good personal hygiene (but not freaky about it), willing to make an ass out of yourself at karaoke bars with me and my friends, and knowledgeable regarding punk rock music and modern literature. If you can’t or don’t read, we’re probably not going to get along. If you can’t or won’t dance like an ass on occasion, we may be in different Fun Zones.
I am highly afraid of both dogs and spiders. If you are not willing to restrain one and kill the other (your choice), we’re probably not going to get along.
If you have nicer shoes than I do, I will admire you, but we’re probably not going to get along.
If you are allergic to or have some strange anathema regarding cats, we’re probably not going to get along. I am a crazy cat lady in my prime.
If you watch sports more than say, two hours a week, we’re probably not going to get along. Unless it’s baseball season and the Sox are doing well.
If you don’t like to leave the house, we’re probably not going to get along.
If you hate children, we’re probably not going to get along.
If you like Exit (the punk rock bar), this is a bonus. if you enjoy burlesque and can actually watch the dancing without giggling like a dork, another bonus.
I loves me some nekkid ladies.
If you’re an adventurous, try-new-things type of person, we will probably get along famously, as I am an Up For Anything type of gal.
If you snore, put a Breathe-Right strip on that shit.
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World video Tattoos are a plus. Tattoos of your mother on your ass are not.
Piercings are fine, but if your shit is going to give me a hysterectomy, I will probably be afraid of you.
Issues are fine. I have my own set of issues, but if you’re not working actively on your issues we’re probably not going to get along.
I like funny people and smart people. These, to me, are the sexiest qualities possible. Everything else is just gravy.
Simple, right? I’m a simple girl with simple tastes.
Probably not so much, but that is what I would say if I were being butt-honest.
I’m obviously going to have to work on this, so that it is less I Want and more I Can Do, but that’s about the size of it.
It’s scary, though – the thought of jumping back into the dating pool.
It’s very scary.
Have you done online dating? Hit me up with your experiences in the comments.
Happy Thursday.
I would TOTALLY date you.
LOL. I would totally date you, too.
I think you should post it as is – totally hysterical and relateable!
I don’t know. It’s a possibility.
That’s an AWESOME profile! I’d just maybe take out the part about the falling down. I’ve done online dating…and that’s all I’ll say about that.
I have never online dated, so take this with a salt of grain (as my Polish friend says) but I thought what you wrote sounded great. If you got emails from it, they’d most likely be the right ones.
Rapey McRaperson! LOL, I once had a first date take out his penis and ask if it was big enough….and then call me the next day for another date! Creepy!
I think your profile is great. You mention beer and “nekid ladies”. You should get lots of calls
I will consider it. It IS honest!
You’re a brave woman! I’ve never dated online and the creep factor seems to run high but I do know many people who’ve had success with it so I suppose it’s worth a shot.
I love your profile as is. I agree with sooboo – the emails you’d get from it would likely be the right ones. It does you no favors to promote yourself to the wrong crowd, you know?
I’m so scared!! But there have to be SOME decent men online.
I say post it as is Jen. You come across as a non-game playing real person who is funny, smart and interesting. It should help weed out all the, “whut iz ur bra size” type losers.
If you get no responses then you could always revamp it.
I KNOW it is expensive but one of my family members met her BF through E-harmony. I have never seen two more compatible people. D@mn, I sound like one of their commercials. Someplace like yahoo personals isn’t going to have the same result. People seem to be alot more genuine when they have to put out the cash to find someone.
My 2cents anyway.
I thought about eHarmony but damn I am broke. I will think about it though.
I agree with the above comments – I think you should post this as-is! Your humor and “realness” really come through.
But I also agree with the above comment about not disclosing your health problems. I don’t see why anyone needs to know about that until they’ve gone on a few dates with you.
Most of my girlfriends are on dating sites. Yes, they’ve gotten weirdos (although none as weird as the ones you’ve just described*) but they’ve also met some really nice people, some of whom were boyfriend/girlfriend material and others of whom were just-friends material.
*The Top Two Weirdos were: (1) a 50-something-year-old man who always wears period clothing (think Renaissance Festival) and is looking for a 20-something super freak to spend all his money on, and (2) a man who literally began a conversation with, “Hello, what do you think about colostomy bags?”
That is hilarious!
Although, I could totally be a super freak that gets money spent on her.
Heh.
Oh, and my girlfriends are on OKCupid. One friend tried Match.com, but so far she’s met more (and better) people on OKC.
What an above commenter said about eHarmony is probably true, but you’re not doomed if you can’t afford the sign-up fee, you know? eHarmony DOES let you look at your results before you buy, though! You can take a look at your matches for free for shits and giggles if you want. I know I did, and I already have a boyfriend. It’s just fun.
But if you do, don’t give them your real e-mail address. They’re STILL harassing me about signing up and I looked at my results two years ago.
Ha, for the right price I’d be a super freak, too.
I thought about OK Cupid. Scary, though. Scary scary scary. I’m such a chicken shit.
I think you should use the profile as is (or minor tweaking about the health stuff) because it is honest. And you’re far more likely to find someone who likes you as you are if you’re honest up front.
I have used OKC successfully but actually found my current boyfriend (who is awesome and we’ve dated for 6 months, so he isn’t hiding his creepiness) on craigslist. Yes, craigslist. The nice thing about craigslist over a dating site is the turn around time is about 2 minutes – if someone is going to message you, they will do so today and not just mark your profile and never ever get around to contacting you. Craigslist does come with a bunch of obnoxiousness (use a fake email address to collect all the pictures of penises), but a honest ad will get a lot of honest replies fast and free.
OK, I know I’m late to this one. So almost exactly four years ago I’d just moved to a new city and signed up for OKCupid just to meet people. I met a cool guy on there, we met up, did a couple dates, and two years later he was my fiance. In 2008 we bought a house together. About two weeks into 2009 I left him. We had NOTHING in common. I was too young when we met (I’d just turned 21) to see it coming, but I really should have.
I signed up for OKC again but deleted my profile about three months into it. It just wasn’t doing it for me. I really wanted to meet someone organically, and the guys I was meeting off OKC were invariably 1) vegan activist students still living in their mama’s basements (um, no – I’ve lived on my own and supported myself since I was 16) or 2) pretentious and BORING government workers who have no concept of what I mean when I say “my job is demanding” (“oh, so that means you have to work past 5pm sometimes?” NO, that means I have to work TIL 3AM SOMETIMES, and then go in to the office four hours later, and also sometimes angry VPs will call my personal cell phone and yell things).
….okay wow. Sorry. This is your blog, not mine. That turned into a bit of a rant
Best of luck with your online dating exploits though, haha! I’m clearly still single and bitter.
Rant away.
I am single, not quite bitter yet, but getting there. Argh.
Hey Jen,
I have met some really cool women online for dating =)! However, some of them didn’t work out romantically and have since become great friends, so even if you don’t find a love interest you could very easily make some new friends. I think that your profile is hilarious as is and that you should totally post it up there just like you have it written above, lol. Good luck!
thanks, Mo! I remain skeptical, but I did post my profile.
I like it too! Life would be so much simpler if everyone just said “Nope, that doesn’t do it for me” or “this is what I want”