Archive for October, 2009
October 31st, 2009 | Author: trancejen
Here are some gratuitous photos of my son, the zombie.
I am so proud.
BRAINS.
I WILL EAT UR SOUL
RAWK
Happy Halloween, y’all.
October 31st, 2009 | Author: trancejen
Happy Halloween! It is raining. It always seems to rain on Halloween, as I trudge diligently from door to door with the kid, collecting candy that I will sort and eat and eat and eat.
I seriously wish that people only gave out Smarties. I have no desire to eat Smarties.
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The J-Man is going to be a punk rock zombie, so we have covered a shirt in blood and cuts to make it look as if he has been mauled, and it looks good. I am also going to fauxhawk his hair (the logistics of this remain to be seen), probably with an old-school mixture of Elmer’s glue and water, because that’s how we did it back in the day. I am nothing if not old school.
I have also assembled a fine array of MAC eye shadows with which to paint his face, and I must admit that I am a Very Good face-painter. Case in point: Last Halloween’s Duality:
RAWR.
Actually this is how I look most of the time.
I love makeup, and zombie makeup will be even more fun, because zombies rule.
I am slightly afraid to go trick-or-treating because last year there was some psychotic freak wielding an actual chainsaw around the neighborhood, scaring people half to death. I sort of enjoyed this, but the kids Lost Their Damn Minds.
I don’t really have a costume this year, sadly. I have last year’s Geisha Slut costume, but I don’t know whether I really feel like lacing myself into a corset this year.
All women’s costumes are slutty. I defy you to find anything that is not ass-baring or does not come with cutesy little thigh-highs.
I like slutty little thigh-highs, but there’s a time and a place for such accoutrements.
Ahem.
In other news, the dating site is SHO’ turning up some winners so far.
I made very sure to put into my profile A: I am a single mom but am NOT looking for a baby-daddy, and B: I cannot drive, so most of the responses I am getting I sense are from the very bottom of the dating barrel.
There was a headless guy, who I can only assume is disfigured or married. There was the guy who flexed his manly arms while shirtless in his profile photo. There was the man who was twice my age. And then there was “YOU ARE BOTIFUL, WRITE ME BACK PLZ.”
I feel botiful.
So far, I remain unimpressed. I have scanned through some of the other men, and apparently a LOT of these guys read Nietzsche.
I smell douchebaggery.
Not that reading Nietzsche (Christ, am I even SPELLING it right? – That’s how intellectual I am) is bad, but I sense quite strongly with my spidey-senses that most of these dudes have never cracked Nietzsche and are instead attempting to be intellectual and deep and wise in a vain attempt to get sex.
And that’s just…wrong.
That’s as wrong as me saying that I am a former adult film star in hopes of getting sex.
Not that I didn’t consider this.
“You mean you didn’t SEE Jenny does Jacksonville? For shame!”
Yeah.
So, a lot of Nietzsche-reading, headless, muscle-y douchebags so far. I would pretty much kill for one honest, cool e-mail.
Maybe I’ll meet a hot dad while I’m out trick-or-treating tonight.
You nevah know.
Happy Halloween.
October 30th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
So Facebook is hosed, and Twitter is being a douchebag, so here I am.
Again.
If you were wondering whether I had a life, here is your answer.
So I got my first two responses on the dating site. One was an old man, and one was a guy with no head.
Admittedly he had what you could describe as a very nice body, but no head! Headless men. Who knew?
I am assuming that he has some massive facial deformity and leaving it at that.
Or maybe he’s a zombie. That would be wicked.
Braaaaaaains.
I am just not down with the old men. If anything, I’m down with the younger men, because they tend to be more fun.
Oh God, I have turned into my father.
Help.
Happy Weekend.
October 30th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
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I am very, very afraid.
I have a feeling people will not be very likely to respond (I posted word for word from the previous entry, and also posted that I weigh “a few extra pounds”, so…), but we shall see.
If nothing else, I’ll have some interesting blog fodder.
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October 30th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
A kid in the J-Man’s class has the swine flu!
SWINE FLU.
The heinie virus scares me, people. Because when we get the flu, WE GET THE FUCKING FLU. Last time I got the flu was at Weetacon a couple of years ago, and I spent the entire weekend puking into a garbage can while simultaneously shitting my brains out.
Pleasant imagery!
The J-Man gets it equally bad, and I am worried for him.
I have been vaccinated for the flu, but he hasn’t. It was all I could do not to send him to school in a mask and gloves today.
Hand sanitizer will be applied liberally, I hope.
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Well, the general consensus is that I should post what I wrote yesterday onto my dating profile, sans the information about Fuckbrain. I agree about the no Fuckbrain part. My Fuckbrain is primarily nobody’s business.
I am thinking about this. I really don’t think I’d get many responses, because most men looking for sex have no sense of humor, but I think you guys are right in that it would weed out the idiots.
We shall see.
I have problems in this area because I am socially clueless. I’m a historically horrible flirter. Like, you would not believe how bad. I can have the biggest crush on someone and find myself totally just nodding my head with a boring, straight look on my face. I can’t even SMILE, people.
There needs to be a manual for this shit. I would be all over that.
My friend Mare is a GORGEOUS flirt. I would give my left breast for a little of her chutzpah.
The thing is that I HAVE chutzpah, it just won’t come out at the right time. Take Minneapolis, for example, when I was TOTALLY crushing all over this guy and barely could say a word to him, even though I had every opportunity to do so. I just clam up. It’s unspeakably lame.
I have notorious diarrhea of the mouth and will spout of for hours to anyone else, but I got nothin’ when it comes to guys that intimidate me for whatever reason.
It’s a conundrum.
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In other news, it is TranceMom’s 63rd birthday.
We almost lost her a few times (Cancer ‘82, Cancer ‘91, and who could forget Aneurysm 2002?), but she’s hanging in there and doing well.
I bought her a ridiculously sappy card that made her cry, as well as some gifts that she really liked, even though she’s historically really hard to buy for.
If you would like to send her some birthday wishes, hit me up in the comments. I will e-mail them to her. Because strangers who read her crazy kid’s weblog are really important to her.
Ahem.
Happy Friday.
Also, you Must. Read. This.
October 29th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I’m considering putting up an online dating profile.
Seriously, this scares me more than words can say.
I have had some previous bad luck with online dating in the past, way back before I met D. There was the guy that presented himself as “athletic, tall, and fun!” who looked and sounded like the fat kid from the Simpsons and simply stared at me througout our entire meal. Fun!
Then there was the guy who showed up wearing two-inch ear plugs. I stupidly asked, “What happens to your ears when you take them out?” He took them out, and there were Rubberband Ear Flaps, people. It was horrifying.
Don’t post 12-year-old pictures of yourself on your online dating profile, people. Your paramours are going to find out what you actually look like soon enough.
(says the girl who has posted only the most universally flattering picture of herself on her personal website)
Then there was the guy who tried to stick his hand down my pants in the car on our first date. That went over well, Rapey McRaperson.
Then there was the guy who took me out to a club and proceeded to snort bumps of coke until his eyeballs protruded.
And then there was the guy who asked me to show up at his door wearing only lingerie and an overcoat.
Obviously ninety percent of these guys are just in it for the sex. Not that I’m anti-sex by a long shot, but damn, can’t a girl get a first date?
There is also the matter of the profile. Who am I? What am I looking for? If I were being honest, it would go a little something like this:
I am a thirty-five year old single mom who occasionally falls under the spell of Brainfuck, which is to say that I spend more than the average amount of time falling down for your personal enjoyment. I live on the south side and do not drive, so that you may also enjoy the act of Picking My Ass Up. (can’t you just feel the e-mails rolling in??)
My body type is I Could Care Less, and I have dyed-dark hair and blue eyes.
I like to read, craft, knit, make jewelry, go to rock shows, eat food that is bad for me, drink at the punk rock bar, dance, go to burlesque shows and roller derby and anything else featuring girls kicking ass, hang out with my awesome kid, go to the movies, travel, and buy shoes that I can’t afford.
I am looking for a non-insane non-drug user without any mommy issues. You should be clean and relatively neat with good personal hygiene (but not freaky about it), willing to make an ass out of yourself at karaoke bars with me and my friends, and knowledgeable regarding punk rock music and modern literature. If you can’t or don’t read, we’re probably not going to get along. If you can’t or won’t dance like an ass on occasion, we may be in different Fun Zones.
I am highly afraid of both dogs and spiders. If you are not willing to restrain one and kill the other (your choice), we’re probably not going to get along.
If you have nicer shoes than I do, I will admire you, but we’re probably not going to get along.
If you are allergic to or have some strange anathema regarding cats, we’re probably not going to get along. I am a crazy cat lady in my prime.
If you watch sports more than say, two hours a week, we’re probably not going to get along. Unless it’s baseball season and the Sox are doing well.
If you don’t like to leave the house, we’re probably not going to get along.
If you hate children, we’re probably not going to get along.
If you like Exit (the punk rock bar), this is a bonus. if you enjoy burlesque and can actually watch the dancing without giggling like a dork, another bonus.
I loves me some nekkid ladies.
If you’re an adventurous, try-new-things type of person, we will probably get along famously, as I am an Up For Anything type of gal.
If you snore, put a Breathe-Right strip on that shit.
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Piercings are fine, but if your shit is going to give me a hysterectomy, I will probably be afraid of you.
Issues are fine. I have my own set of issues, but if you’re not working actively on your issues we’re probably not going to get along.
I like funny people and smart people. These, to me, are the sexiest qualities possible. Everything else is just gravy.
Simple, right? I’m a simple girl with simple tastes.
Probably not so much, but that is what I would say if I were being butt-honest.
I’m obviously going to have to work on this, so that it is less I Want and more I Can Do, but that’s about the size of it.
It’s scary, though – the thought of jumping back into the dating pool.
It’s very scary.
Have you done online dating? Hit me up with your experiences in the comments.
Happy Thursday.
October 28th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
So, thanks to one of my Twitterfriends, I have had a Miley Fucking Cyrus song in my head for two days. That, and the title of this entry’s song. I have earworm so bad that it usually takes me weeks to get onto something new, and in this case, it sucks ass.
Once a particular Glee episode aired, you could not stop me from singing Beyonce’s Single Ladies. I’m sure I was a big ball of awesome during that time.
I just went to Target to go birthday shopping for the moms. Got her the bundt pan (it’s not Williams and Sonoma, but it’ll do), a silver locket (it’s not Tiffany’s but it’ll do), and a new purse (it’s not Prada, but it’ll do).
Birthday shopping complete.
Nothing much is happening today. I did a total face-plant into the kitchen floor this morning, so I’m sort of dragging ass.
More news tomorrow.
Happy Wednesday.
October 27th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
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He let me take his picture.
Here it is, the J-Man’s new hair.
RAWK.
I have the coolest kid possible.
October 27th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
For info about the trip, see the previous entry.
Can you get jet lagged from a measly hour-and-a-half flight? If so, then I have it.
I napped today, I napped through most of yesterday, and I sense I will be going to bed outrageously early tonight. Sloth, thy name is Jen.
The J-Man got a wicked cool haircut in my absence but will not let me take a picture of it because he thinks it’s ugly. It’s sort of like a skater haircut – long on the top and short on the back and sides, with little sideburns. I think it’s unbelievably flattering, but I will have to take a photo while he sleeps or bribe him.
Flatliners full movie Grindstone Road video Martyrs full movie “I’m afraid I just can’t,” he says. “That’s that.”
Well, OK then.
What point is there in my being a pseudo-mommyblogger if I can’t post incriminating pictures? None, that’s what.
He is off of school today for Fall Break (I do not remember having a Fall Break, do you?) and we are going to work on his Halloween costume. He wants to be, “A rock-punk zombie”. Truly I have raised him up right.
In other news, I do believe the cats have been saving up all of their bad behavior for my arrival home. In the past twenty-four hours I have broken up about a thousand fights and cleaned up two horrific piles of vomit.
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer hd At least this time I didn’t step in it. I cannot even begin to accurately re-create the string of swears that comes out of my mouth after stepping in cat vomit. It would make your ears bleed.
The J-Man and I watched Hackers today, which was entertaining. “Why does Angelina Jolie have no hair?” “Why do they have to connect their computers to phones?” “What is a 28-baud modem??”
I got a laugh out of his questions. Remember dial-up and what a fucking pain it was? Bleh.
Tomorrow I am going birthday shopping for my mom, who wants – wait for it – a bundt pan.
Yes, a bundt pan.
Living large, my mom.
So I think I’m getting her the damned pan, a new bag, and maybe some jewelry. She expressed prior interest in owning a silver locket, so I think I’m going to find one of those and put some truly awful pictures of the J-Man and I in it for kicks.
And I’m going to make her a cake.
There really is no other news, except for the fact that a bunch of people from my high school who use Facebook are getting together at a local bar next weekend, which should be a good time. It’s here in the heart of the ghetto, and there will be karaoke.
Ghetto karaoke is the best.
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Happy Tuesday.
October 26th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I had so much fun, kids. So much fun.
Minneapolis is pretty fucking cool, really. It’s really clean and really really friendly and really really really fond of bacon-related dishes, so of course I was happy.
Yes, I lifted the ban on meat for the weekend, and shockingly enough I did not hurl. I think that this is due to the restorative properties of the salted cured meat.
I met up with Amy at the airport and we of course started to hork down beers as soon as we were in the same airspace. This is what we do, as the lone cheap-beer-drinkers of the group. Everyone else is insanely knowledgeable regarding hops and malts and ciders and lagers, but we are cheap. I am not sorry about this.
On Friday night we went to Fogo De Chao, which was incredible in its scope of excess. Dear God, the meats! Men! With skewers! Brandishing them at our table! Shaving off copious quantities of meat! I might as well be typing in ALL CAPS, so excited was I.
I couldn’t get down with THAT much meat. so I chose the vegetarian option, which still held enough food to make my eyeballs protrude from their sockets. One highlight was the little cheese biscuits with tapioca flour that seriously made me want to lie prone across the table and weep.
I apparently become very emotional about good food.
I wore my hooker shoes, which are truly a thing of beauty but which hurt so damned badly that I ripped them off halfway through the meal. I was ready to offer them to the highest bidder, but strangely no one bid. I wound up walking back to the hotel in stocking feet, holding my expensive and beautiful but utterly useless shoes in defeat. Flats. Next time I will only bring flats.
(I lie.)
We then headed out to Aqua, which was a fancy and swanky club that played a mixture of Latin and pop music, which made Wendy observe the fact that we were essentially watching West Side Story play out in front of our eyes.
I am a Jet, all the way.
It was at this club that we watched Jake (formerly of Chauffi) perform a very believable rendition of the Single Ladies video, a la Glee, and I nearly spit my tasteless cheap beer across the VIP area.
After we tired of salsa, we left to go to The Gay 90’s, which is – as you may have guessed – a gay nightclub that boasted about five different clubs sandwiched together.
Naturally I have great love for the gay clubs, but this club was truly special in that it offered a dazzling array of drag queens performing pop hits.
The Whitney Houston drag queen may have been my favorite, but there was also a Joan Jett and a somewhat puzzling queen wearing what looked like a Lane Bryant floral print dress.
I could stare a drag queen and her ridiculously arched eyebrows all damned day, people. Seriously.
So THAT was fun, and then suddenly I found myself in the retro room dancing with Jake, singing… oh hell, I was so drunk I do not remember WHAT we were singing.
I do vaguely remember the walk back to the hotel, and skipping (yes, skipping) along hand-in-hand and singing When In Rome’s “The Promise”.
As I said, I was drunk. I was beyond drunk. I was DRUUUHNK, as we say in the ‘hood.
The next morning as I popped Tylenol and wished for sleep, we breakfasted at Hell’s Kitchen, which had eggs so good it made me rethink my world view regarding eggs, which has historically been quite dim.
After that, there was much napping.
I was down for the count until Saturday night, when we met up with M. Giant and headed to Solara, a tapas restaurant.
I ate bacon-wrapped dates (BACON! The theme of the weekend!) and peppers stuffed with goat cheese, and it was good.
This is unfortunately the portion of the weekend in which I completely crapped out.
I missed Roller Derby, people. I missed it. After we ate I started to feel crappish and went back to the hotel with Mike and Amy, who were both also feeling moderately crappish (one hates to feel crappish alone). I had a drink in the hotel bar with them, but then I could practically feel the ick taking hold, so I went back to the room and promptly passed out.
And with that, I missed karaoke, too. Bummer.
I really hate missing out on anything during these trips, but there is a lot of walking and a lot of running around, and if I drink a lot don’t take the time to rest up a little, Brainfuck ensues. Generally when I drink I am free of Brainfuck, so I was kind of surprised, but Brainfuck is insidious and crept in on the sly.
The next morning Amy left, I breakfasted with Mike and Jake (Once again, BACON!), and then later we went out toward the Mall of America for pizza. Good pizza.
Then there was the mall, and what can you say? It’s a mall. It’s ginormous. It has multiples of some stores. There are rides, 500 Starbucks (to the point in which I thought there must be some sort of sponsorship there), an aquarium, and there was some sort of cake-baking symposium.
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I probably only made it through a quarter of the place, and my poor maligned feet hurt so badly that I thought I would die.
Afterward, we went to the sculpture gardens, which were gorgeous. The highlight of that was a 20-foot glass carp that was apparently based upon the artist’s mother’s gefilte fish, and you know I love me some Jewish flavor. Oy to the Vey!
We then went to the Zombie Bar, which was very cool and vaguely reminiscent of Exit, which of course is my favorite Chicago bar of all time. My liver, it hurts me.
My flight was delayed, so I missed my damned ride back to the airport and had to wait two hours for another, but the other than that the ride home was pretty uneventful.
Brainfuckery aside, it was a great trip and I got to meet some very cool people, one of whom had me crushing big-time, and I also had a chance to catch up with my very awesome group of Imaginary Internet Friends.
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Happy Monday.
