I am so fucking sick and I am so fucking crabby and I really want to stage a massive internet beatdown on all these stupid misguided motherfuckers on Twitter who think Roman Fucking Polanski should be freed.

I mean, REALLY, people. Really.

It’s a good thing it’s Yom Kippur today, because I can pretend I am fasting for religious purposes and not simply because my stomach feels like three squirrels fighting in a water balloon.

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It’s also a good thing that I don’t have a taser, because I would be tasing people left and right today.

How fun would that be?

My mother actually went to work today, never mind the fact that she looks like some ghoulish monster out of A Haunting In __insert state here__. My normally tanned and glowing mother is paler than me and looks like she is going to drop dead at any given moment. I’m sure the lawyers she works with are praying for her to go home before she infects the masses.

I haven’t infected my kid yet, but I’m wondering whether I should hold him down and spit in his mouth to ensure that he gets the flu over with, somewhat in the way that the mothers of toddlers with the chicken pox pimp out their children.

That would probably be cruel, though. Also the spitting in his mouth would probably make him a prime candidate for therapy, and I’m trying to put THAT whole mess off for as long as humanly possible.

In other news, this is how bad I look:

OH HAI I'M INFECTING UR COUCH

Yeah. I’m going to go lay down and dream of chocolate-flavored Theraflu.

Happy Monday.

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