Archive for September, 2009
September 15th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
So, I do believe we’re going to be moving.
To Dyer, Indiana.
You heard me right.
My stepdad lives in Dyer and he brought to us the question, “Why have two mortgages?”
As much of the thought of living in that dinky little one-horse town strikes terror into my heart, I have to admit he’s right. Plus, the house I am currently living in is not really MY house, so I really don’t have much say.
Not to mention the fact that I don’t do shit and would consequently not be making a whole hell of a lot of lifestyle changes.
I would have the basement, which is a very large finished job complete with cool black-and-white bathroom and full-sized refrigerator. Because where I poop and where I put my beer are both very important to me, I was sold on the idea.
As far as being even further away from the city: It kind of sucks. However, as previously stated I have no life and really shouldn’t care whose basement I’m lounging in.
The J-Man is going to freak out. Never mind the fact that he will attend the same school, he’s just going to flip because we will have to leave Pigpen behind.
That to me is a whole ‘nother reason to move, but that’s just me, I guess.
I do think he’ll get used to the idea, though. Plus, there are a hell of a lot more kids in my stepdad’s neighborhood than in ours, and the public high school is much more Of The Quality.
We’re not talking about doing this until next summer, but there will be a lot to do, considering the fact that we have a lot of stuff and two garages that make Hoarders look like child’s play.
I will miss my elderly neighbors the most. They’ve been consistently awesome and are really like part of the family, so that’s going to sort of suck. Our drug-dealing neighbors on the other side, however, can go take a flying leap.
More news to follow as the J-Man learns of our plans and promptly goes flying off of the deep end.
In other news, I am flea-bombing the house for the second time today. I was much better prepared, having sprayed flea spray underneath all of the furniture ahead of time and having actually opened all of the closets in the house (Forgot that last time. Whoops.).
I hope to God it works and that this will be the end of it. My poor son looks like some ravaged AIDS orphan, so covered in sores is he.
Trailer Park Boys: The Movie ipod
Probably best not to make jokes about ravaged AIDS orphans. Ahem.
Anyway, that’s about it for today. Look forward to Tales Of Country Living to come soon.
*shudders*
Happy Tuesday.
September 10th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I’m going to murder my own flesh and blood.
Seriously. I’m going to sharpen the shit out of one of my wooden knitting needles and shank my son in his sleep.
The kid is having a Problem turning his homework in on time. He gets it done on time, but he forgets to bring it to class.
As a result I received a letter from his science teacher letting me know that he is currently pulling a D.
In this house, that shit doesn’t fly.
He historically has an A/B average, with the exception of handwriting, which I don’t consider to be very important anyway. Probably because I had a straight A average in school with the exception of handwriting. A drunken scrawl runs in the family, and that’s fine. As long as it’s mildly legible, whatever.
This homework problem is turning me into a shrieking harpy. I found myself yelling yesterday until the child actually cried, which is something I’m not proud of but that he probably needed nevertheless.
I give my child a lot of freedom. I don’t make him go out for sports that I know he hates, I don’t give him an excessive amount of chores, and I don’t generally bitch a lot. In return, I expect pristine grades and at least a fair attitude.
Instead I’m getting a laissez-faire attitude.
Again, this doesn’t fly. I realize that his head is firmly ensconced in outer space and that he is far more interested in drawing a cartoon character for his Stan Lee online contest, but Jesus, to have the homework done and not bring it to class? That’s just plain ridiculous.
So, grounding and flogging will commence, should the problem continue, and the kid had better sleep with one eye open in the meantime because Mama Done Had It.
In other news, I had a horrifying dream about my mother last night.
One of the side effects of the Fentanyl/Duragesic patch is insano dreams. I usually find these entertaining, but lately they’ve taken a turn for the worse.
This one featured my mother as the worst kind of freakish hag ever to grace the cover of a bad horror flick. She was Medusa. She was unbelievably frightening.
In real life, I could totally take her. She weighs 90 pounds soaking wet, and I could probably snap her in half as easily as if she were one of Nicole Richie’s malnourished tibias.
In this dream, she was intimidating to say the least. During one moment of the dream she grabbed a razor blade and sliced up her arms and snarled, “IS THIS WHAT YOU’VE DONE?? IS IT??”
I mean, really. Scary shit.
I was running and kicking and screaming and attempting to lock myself in the bathroom while she pulled at me with her crabbed, clawed fingers.
I shit you not, I woke up in a pool of sweat.
This morning I told her about the dream and she tittered in a girlish fashion and said, “Oh, Jenny! You know I would never do that.”
Scream 3 full movie As if she could, you see.
This disturbed me, and I retired to the living room to drink my coffee and wonder.
In still other news, Vagisil commercials unnerve me.
One of my greatest and most unfounded fears is having an affliction of the cha-cha. I’m serious. I have never had so much as a yeast infection, but the very thought shakes the foundation of my sanity.
If I got The Herp or crabs or something, I would totally string up the person who gave it/them to me and beat them until they were dead. I believe in condoms as a LAW, not just a rule. I put paper over the toilet seat. I shave rather than wax, for fear of contracting some sort of horrible nastiness.
Seriously, you have no idea how much this scares me.
My mother thinks I’m ridiculous.
“A yeast infection is just-”
“SHUTUP”
“Really, it’s just-”
“ENOUGH MOM.”
“But you just get-”
“NO NO NO I’M NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA LA.”
It’s just sacred, the vagina. I really don’t want anything to mar its awesome record.
Birthday Girl divx Maybe it’s just me.
Happy Thursday, and watch out for your mother.
September 9th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I suppose I’ve been all over (and overly dependent upon) social media websites these days largely because my social circle has narrowed to such an extremely tiny little sliver that I don’t socialize at all in real life.
Most of my friends are married and are busy DOING things. Couple-y things. Also, since I don’t drive and am not within walking distance of a train, I’m pretty much stuck here staring at the four walls.
It’s depressing at times. I would very much like to be going to parties and clubs and to friends’ homes and even to karaoke.
I’m even a bit far removed from a lot of my internet buddies. I don’t know why this is, but it probably has at least a little to do with the fact that I’m not an initiator, at least when it comes to communication. It’s always been easier for me to sit back and wait to be communicated to. Obviously this needs to change.
It’s a lonely life, lonelier when the J-Man is at school and my mom is at work. It makes me want to sleep the day away until they return home, because only then can I speak and be spoken to.
I talk to the fucking cats, people. This is no good for a woman under eighty.
When I was with Bullshit, it was pretty much guaranteed that I would get out of the house at least two days out of the week. Now I only get out to go to doctor’s appointments. I am OBSCENELY happy about having my hair done next week, if for no other reason than I get to actually TALK to somebody for a couple of hours.
It sounds pretty pathetic, and I guess it is.
I just miss my fast-paced life. No matter how long I’m out of work, I will always miss that.
I’ll be out of work and unable to get behind the wheel until my health drastically improves, and sometimes I feel like that has no chance of happening.
I watch my child grow up from the sofa and wonder whether he even remembers a mother who never stood in one place, who worked like a dog and thrived, who took him everywhere.
I don’t know. I just wish that things were different.
I’m going to see the Pixies with an old friend in a couple of months, so that’s a plus.
I need to reach out a little, I guess, and not just on Twitter.
I need to evolve.
The J-Man just called me as I was writing and asked for a new pair of shorts, because some kid fucking threw a Sloppy Joe at him.
Brilliant.
I must go and deal with this. Happy Wednesday, and be grateful for the friends you have. They may not always be there.
September 8th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I think the fleas are gone, although I’m afraid to say so because the Almighty will re-smite me or perhaps smite me with a new plague.
The Almighty and I don’t get along so well.
I Frontlined the cats a week ahead of schedule despite the warnings from the vet because like J-Lo, I’d had ENOUGH. I called Petco and they told me I’d only needed to wait a week, so I decided to believe Petco and applied the shit, praying all the while that I would not wake to three dead cats.
They’re not dead. Yet.
I have received no new bites and am as happy as can be.
Well, almost happy. I would be perfectly happy if not for the fact that I have to get a SECOND Pap smear today, because the first one “didn’t take”.
This obviously enraged me to the point of no return, but I have since calmed down enough to not kick the gyno square in the face.
Haven’t you ever wanted to do just that, to just pull your foot from the stirrup and kick with all you’re worth and cackle in an evil fashion as he holds his broken nose and cries like a little bitch?
Maybe it’s just me.
Also, stolen from my buddy Kevin, this little gem is making me laugh.
Brilliant.
Michelle, your uterus called and said, “NO MORE PLZ, KTHXBAI.”
Apperently uteruses (uterii?) sound a lot like cats.
I’m still steadily losing weight, but I did discover the other day that one cannot go for the gusto and cheat with a giant cookout cheeseburger after not eating meat for a long time.
God, did I hurl. I hurled so forcefully I feared the porcelain would crack.
So, no more cheating for me, and I can most certainly live with that.
In still other news, this is my future haircut:
Obviously I’m no Posh Spice, but I love it love it love it and am going to spice it up a little with cherry-red highlights. This will all take place next week, when Laura the genius will come over and work her magic.
She cuts my hair for FREE, people, and God bless her big, hair-do-in’ heart.
In other news, the J-Man has DETENTION today for not bringing homework to class. The homework was completed, but he left the shit in his locker not once, not twice, but three times.
He is grounded, and we are going to have a serious lecture in organization tonight. I didn’t buy that twenty-dollar stupid Trapper Keeper for nothing.
Well, that’s all the news that’s fit to spit. How was YOUR weekend?
September 3rd, 2009 | Author: trancejen
If anyone’s interested, I have a little CafePress shop set up featuring some of my little cartoon characters (don’t worry, not everything has TranceJen plastered all over it).
Check it out, if you like.
Happy Thursday.
September 2nd, 2009 | Author: trancejen
Thank all for the flea advice. I can’t do much for two weeks until I can re-Frontline, but as soon as I do that I plan to Borax the shit out of this house.
What the hell do you use on your skin when in your thirties? I want to use some sort of wrinkle cream because I’m starting to see some fine lines, but every brand (albeit the cheap brands, let us not forget that I am cheap) seems to break me out, including the fragrance-free stuff.
I am open to any and all suggestions unless you’re talking about anything involving camel urine and poo of any sort.
Even then, I’m not sure I wouldn’t go for it.
I’m gross like that.
In other news, the J-Man’s New Mexico project was a hit at school. The teacher said, “I rarely give As, but this might deserve an A-plus.”
Rock.
See what a nice photo printer and some Googling can do? Thank you, computer!
So here I sit with my flea bites and my acne (and I swear I am not exaggerating when I say that I am COVERED top to toe in one or the other), getting uglier by the second. With my luck I will be called to the school for a meeting and will have to look like an insect-infested beast.
Damn you, fleas and Olay wrinkle cream. Damn you to hell.
I will stop talking about the fleas soon, I swear.
In other news, the pounds are still coming off and I am grateful.
My father the Raving Republican thinks I should start to eat like Rush Limbaugh, given his recent substantial weight loss. I can’t in clear conscience visit the Rush Limbaugh website, but good for him. Good for Rush, good for Ann Coulter, who has transferred Rush’s ass fat into her lips, good for the whole crazy kit and caboodle.
In other news, the synod of Lutheran churches we belong to has recently approved gay clergy and the people are going batshit crazy. I received a long letter from our pastor stating how horribly disappointed he is and how this is breaking his Lutheran heart and how people are leaving teh church in droves, and I have been absolutely SITTING ON MY HANDS in order to not write a scathing reply.
Why are people so bigoted and afraid of change? I simply don’t understand it. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. Still, I consider it a small victory that our church’s bosses apparently are a little more open-minded.
Hopefully one day this world will not consider letting people love one another as “SO open-minded!” but just normal.
Happy Wednesday.
September 1st, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I’ll have you know that I just wrote an entire blog post and it magically, mystically disappeared from the screen. The window just closed, no warning.
Sometimes WordPress just hates me.
So, we still have fleas. Big fleas with hairy armpits and mustaches. Fleas that Will Not Die.
The Hillside Strangler At last count I have about 40 bites on my right foot and ankle. I look like one of those sad little African orphans covered in flies and welts. Brad and Angelina, I am totally available.
I very stupidly Frontlined the cats with the generic Frontline, because I am a cheap, miserly person who hoards spare change and buys all my clothes at Target. Never again, friends. I occasionally do learn my lesson, and I would like to shout from the rooftops that throwing down fifty bucks for Frontline is TOTALLY WORTH IT.
download Shrek the Third movie
I have to wait two weeks before I can Frontline the cats again, both because I would kill them by overloading them with flea poison and because my life just sucks like that.
Then I am going to spray or use Borax, which I’ve heard is both cheap and very effective.
In the meantime one will find me sitting on the sofa, furiously scratching like an ape and occasionally howling and bleeding from all the scratching.
My poor kid is similarly afflicted. Between the two of us, I really think we’re suffering even more than the cats.
(We’re actually not. The cats look fucking MISERABLE.)
So. Other than scratching and feeling filthy, I have decided to chop off all my hair.
download A Summer Place dvd I always envision myself with this long, gorgeous flowing hair, but then I forget that my hair grows up rather than out, causing a massive Afro effect. I have no patience to let it grow out for more than a few months, because my interest in looking like a dork has waned since high school. I would end up with a big curly triangle head, and since I do not possess a knob in my back that will turn and produce gorgeous flaxen hair, I’m pretty much screwed.
I covet thin, straight hair so much. I watch those commercials for volumizing shampoos and think, “Are you crazy?” I have enough volume for four heads, enough hair to insulate an attic.
Therefore I’m going to hook myself up with a pixie cut. I might be a big, hulking pixie, but fuck it.
I’m thankfully less hulking now, having lost sixteen pounds this month. Yay. I’m not doing Atkins, as I just got damned sick of meat. Instead I’m eating a lot of cereal and fruit and vegetables, and it’s working out well. I have more energy and am actually pooping on a regular basis. When I was on Atkins, taking a crap became a bi-weekly event that I looked forward to far more than Christmas.
I appreciate regular pooping more than I can say. Really, you have no idea.
But enough about my reluctant colon.
The J-Man is enjoying school so far this year, especially since he got my hand-me-down Chuck Taylors and dark-wash jeans and looks highly cool.
Yesterday we produced a pamphlet on the state of New Mexico with color photos that I must say was pretty damned spiffy. I learned quite a bit about New Mexico, which might as well have been Funknastistan for all I knew about it.
Geography: Not my strong suit.
Fall has definitely landed, and I am all about the boots. There is a particular pair with which I am obsessed, and here they are:
I can’t afford them – hell, I can’t even afford ONE of them, but aren’t they fucking sweet? LOVE.
I’m kind of a junkie when it comes to Overstock.com. Rarely do I actually shop there, but I love to look. Here’s another pair: I mean REALLY.
Hot hot hot. Shoe porn, if you will.
It’s fun just to look.
Happy Tuesday.
