Archive for September, 2009
September 30th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
…what would you like to read about?
Suggestions welcome in this dry land. Anything you’re interested in reading about?
Happy Wednesday.
September 29th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
It went and got cold, and I am almost done with this flu – I think – but am still chilly and am sporting fuzzy socks that make me slide across the kitchen floor (OK, they don’t MAKE me slide, I just slide) and my awesome velour leopard-spotted pajama pants.
Robin Hood: Men in Tights buy El Cid movie
Be very jealous, those of you in work wear, because I am jealous of You.
You may or may not have noticed that I added a section to my sidebar that features links to awesome bloggers that I cannot get enough of. Some are new and some are old (and some are really old, you know who you are), but all are great and you should really go and check them all out.
All I can think about today is the J-Man’s science test, because His Life Hangs In The Balance, people. It really does. I have my kid-beating stick at the ready.
The Village download D.A.R.Y.L. buy Happy Tuesday.
September 28th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I am so fucking sick and I am so fucking crabby and I really want to stage a massive internet beatdown on all these stupid misguided motherfuckers on Twitter who think Roman Fucking Polanski should be freed.
I mean, REALLY, people. Really.
It’s a good thing it’s Yom Kippur today, because I can pretend I am fasting for religious purposes and not simply because my stomach feels like three squirrels fighting in a water balloon.
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It’s also a good thing that I don’t have a taser, because I would be tasing people left and right today.
How fun would that be?
My mother actually went to work today, never mind the fact that she looks like some ghoulish monster out of A Haunting In __insert state here__. My normally tanned and glowing mother is paler than me and looks like she is going to drop dead at any given moment. I’m sure the lawyers she works with are praying for her to go home before she infects the masses.
I haven’t infected my kid yet, but I’m wondering whether I should hold him down and spit in his mouth to ensure that he gets the flu over with, somewhat in the way that the mothers of toddlers with the chicken pox pimp out their children.
That would probably be cruel, though. Also the spitting in his mouth would probably make him a prime candidate for therapy, and I’m trying to put THAT whole mess off for as long as humanly possible.
In other news, this is how bad I look:
OH HAI I'M INFECTING UR COUCH
Yeah. I’m going to go lay down and dream of chocolate-flavored Theraflu.
Happy Monday.
September 27th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
A mere five days before my flu shot appointment, Mom and I have contracted the flu.
It Figures.
I have barfed so loud and long that my previous experience with bulimia seems almost like a delicately-puking dream, and that’s saying a lot.
My mother has not left her bed in two days except for two minutes in which she informed my son that he shouldn’t wear those ugly black Converse to the movies. This I can understand, as she is President of the Order of the White Tennis Shoe, with Keds Honors.
I feel like my head is swimming. What I don’t know is this: Do I still need to get a flu shot to protect me from further onslaughts, or am I done? I doubt I’m done, really, as the flu seems to hit me again and again without mercy.
I’m up to twenty-seven pounds lost, but I suppose at least five of that is from this current round of robo-barfing.
I keep checking on my mother, who is shivering underneath a heavy mound of afghans. She looks even paler than I do, if such a thing is possible.
The J-Man is out seeing the new Bruce Willis movie with my father. Both are extremely afraid of being anywhere near my mother and I, infectious as we probably are.
Billy Owens and the Secret of the Runes I have been lying on the couch watching Lifetime movies for two days now, which really should be enough to make me commit suicide. Yesterday they had a brilliant one that featured a skanky Crazy Anne Heche and also Crazy Eric Roberts, and it was a gorgeous, insane thing that even incorporated wife-beating, without which Lifetime would have very little material.
So, that’s pretty much it for me and the weekend. I am dyingdyingdying to get out of the house, but it’s going to have to wait until next weekend, I guess.
Barfing in public is really not my thing, although those of you who have been at Weetacon with me may disagree.
Weetacon! It’s coming up in March and I Cannot Wait.
Happy Sunday.
September 24th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I don’t know anything about the inner workings of A spider’s eyes, nor do I want to, nor do I want to even think about it, because that would mean getting up close and personal with a spider and now I am going to have nightmares, thank you very much Junior High School Science.
I also don’t know shit about geometry. Shapes are fine and great but when it comes down to determining their mass or volume or whatever I am lost. Hopelessly lost.
My son looks at me, perplexed. “Didn’t you LEARN this stuff??”
download El Cid: The Legend movie Why yes, I’m sure I did, but my retention of geometry and spider-eye-workiness has been zero, and I am surprisingly OK with that.
download Trailer Park Boys: The Movie dvd Things I do know an awful lot about?
I know how to entertain a cat. I gave the cat a series of sparkly little craft pom-pons and she is running around flipping over herself with rapture and glee.
I know vocabulary words. This is one of my son’s worse subjects, and thankfully I am all about the English language, and hey, not just the swearing! Who knew?
I now know never to order anything from Japan on eBay, even if it has free shipping, because the child comes home every day, bursts in the door, and yells, “IS IT HERE??” and no, it is not here, not for four weeks.
I know mascara, and even though it is sort of expensive, Lancome’s Hypnose is the bomb and will not make your eyes red, weeping slits like the drugstore brands.
I do not know how I am going to move. We have so much stuff, people. So much. Garages full. A basement full. I could be like my neighbor and hold a yard sale every weekend, and STILL we would be besieged with stuff. Candles. Old electronics. Every bath and body product known to man, in every scent. I had no idea we were packing this much crap until I started to sift through it, and man, this move is going to be a bitch.
I do know that I PAID THAT BILL and will you STOP calling me and HERE is a check number, now Leave Me Alone. These medical billing places are rife with bitches. I know from experience that one has to be kind of a bitch to do collections, but Jesus, I have a check number. Get off my back.
I got charged for my yearly Pap smear, which is something I think Medicaid should pay for simply because it is such a mind-blowingly uncomfortable experience.
I also got charged fifty bucks for seeing the shrink for five whole minutes, during which he told me he can tell I am doing much better because I am wearing makeup. What insight!
If he saw me every day, wearing the same Tegan and Sara shirt and paint-stained yoga pants with a cigarette hanging stupidly out of my mouth, he would probably have me committed.
I have a basement full of fabulous shoes and not-terribly-out-of-style clothes, and yet I am filled with sloth and only wear elasticized pants and concert t-shirts, shoeless.
I am so deep in this rut that I may never find my way out.
I am starting to realize, though, that I need to start to branch out socially. I have no idea how to do this, but maybe it involves going out bar-hopping with my father or something, since he seems to be the most popular guy in the city.
download Dragon Hill. La colina del dragon dvd Daddys Little Girls dvdrip My weekends have been filled with slack, and it should probably change before I move out to the middle of nowhere and have absolutely no shot at a social life.
Another thing I don’t know? I don’t know why Tom DeLay is on Dancing With The Stars. This scares me more than I can say.
Happy Thursday from the hermit.
September 22nd, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I need to start cleaning out our not one, but TWO garages in preparation for the move. I also need boxes. Hundreds of boxes. I have six shelves full of books that need to be boxed and moved from my basement to my stepdad’s and the thought is daunting.
Instead I have been curled up under my gramma’s purple crocheted afghan reading blogs all damned day. The weather is cool and gorgeous and I want to enjoy it safely from the couch.
I have become this awful slacker lately.
I have been working out, though. Today I even lifted weights and did not die. Diet pills = WIN.
My sister came by yesterday and told me she’s thinking of getting a pug. Now it is widely known that I am not a dog person, but I have a particular hatred toward the pug because it seems to be one of the most popular dogs to dress up in little dog clothes and take to the grocery store and generally treat like a two-year-old.
I am all about the inappropriate love for animals, but damn, keep it out of the grocery store. I may make wooga-wooga noises at my cats when ensconced in the privacy of my own home, but I don’t do it in public.
I hate purse puppies.
In other news, the J-Man has started this horrible annoying habit of waking up at ten-thirty at night and saying, “I forgot part of my homework, AAAAA!” Great, because I only asked you fifty times whether you’d done it all at six o’clock.
Today I am going to the shrink where I will tell his everything is Fine and Great, because really, it is. That’s a good thing.
Happy Tuesday.
September 21st, 2009 | Author: trancejen
Bloodsport full movie The good thing about this haircut is that it takes roughly four seconds to fix when wet. The bad thing is that if I don’t wet it down, I have spiky hair.
I like it, though. It’s growing on me.
I was worried I’d look “butch”, but I think it looks OK.
In other news, House is on tonight, and there is no other news.
Happy Monday.
Police Academy: Mission to Moscow movie
September 19th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
So, I’m taking these diet pills in order to jack up my blood pressure, which is working. I haven’t passed out in three days.
Ring Around the Rosie full movie
An interesting side effect to this process is that I actually want to get my big ass off of the couch and MOVE.
Orphan film I know, shocking.
I have had to repress the deep desire to actually run on my treadmill rather than use it for hanging clothes. I have even considered attempting a push-up.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Apparently this ginseng and green tea and other shit is actually energizing, and I don’t know what to do with myself. Generally I would rather have all of my teeth removed with pilers than exert myself. I think my body is actually allergic to its own sweat, and I get winded walking to the kitchen for more Diet Coke.
It’s interesting, and I think I’m actually going to go do some yoga.
I don’t even know myself any more.
Happy Saturday, and l’Shanah Tovah.
September 18th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
So I’m already mentally decorating my new home with great and grand ideas. Everything shall be Red! and Opulent! and Cool!
I’m going to need a lot of paint. The basement as it stands has wooden paneling, which I know from experience takes about 80 coats to cover.
I’m excited, though. I spoke to the J-Man tentatively and nervously about the idea of moving, and he was surprisingly receptive, probably because I told him he could decorate his own room.
This was a mistake. He wants to paint a skull on his wall, a big one with flames coming out of it.
download Flight of Fury dvd We’ll see.
He is saddened by the idea of leaving Pigpen (who is spending the night at my house tonight, Ugh.) behind, but he seems hopeful regarding meeting new kids and taking the bus to school and all that happy horseshit.
I was really worried that I’d tell him and be met with massive angst and misery and despair, but I think he’s actually sort of excited.
My father, always the innovator, suggested that I raise my obscenely low blood pressure through the use of diet pills.
Initially I balked. It seemed dangerous and ridiculous. However, I started thinking about it, and I would pretty much do anything to stop passing out, so I bought some Hydroxycut Max at drugstore.com.
So far, I’m impressed. I’m not completely wired, which is one of the things I was worried about, and I haven’t passed out ONCE since I started the stuff.
Having a little bit less of an appetite isn’t hurting me, either.
I am only taking half the recommended dosage because I would prefer not to chew the drapes, but it seems to be working out well.
In other news, why are people still wearing Ugg boots? Wasn’t that only a hot trend for about a minute?
City Of The Living Dead download I still see people schlumping around in these Muppet-footed eyesores, and more often than not they look dirty and grimy.
I hate them. I think you couldn’t find a more unflattering shoe if you tried. I know that they’re supposed to be So Comfortable and So Warm and So Delicious, but damn, people. They’re ugly. They’re just ugly.
Yesterday I saw a kid walking through the hood that had his pants belted completely underneath his boxer-shorted ass. I’m not talking about a little sliver of boxers, here. They were completely visible. How could one walk? Also, WHY?
I don’t get urban fashion. I was informed by my buddy Fred that this ass-baring trend started in prison, so as to make the wearer more… accessible. Nice. I simply have to repress the strong desire to chase these baggy-pantsed kids down the street and pull their jeans up.
In still other news, about three people on our block are getting new windows and new siding and a new roof.
Leave it to the ‘hood to get all fancified right before I move.
Happy Friday, and L’shanah Tovah to my Jewish buddies.
September 17th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
Dear Internet, please stop talking about Kanye West. -kthxbai
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers ipod
Things I have learned this week:
1. Algebra sucks rocks even harder the second time around.
2. School fundraisers are an attempt to get harried parents to beg, borrow, plead, and harangue innocent friends, neighbors, and family.
3. If I were Joe Dubois, I would get a separate bedroom.
4. I look like a Potatohead with super-short hair.
Prague Duet hd 5. I am way too excited about this season of House and need to get a life.
I don’t know about this haircut. In theory, it’s fabulous, but I think it’s for the small-headed individual, not Ms. Giant Cranium 2009. I don’t know. I haven’t taken any pictures yet because I’m slightly afraid.
The color is wicked, though. I got some cherry-red highlights, and it’s fantastic. I suppose it will just take some getting used to after months of living with my white-girl Afro.
In other news, I ate a Luna bar today, and trust me when I tell you that I have never had anything that repugnant in my mouth EVER.
It was like something gross and burnt and all protein shake-y. Caramel Nut Brownie? I Don’t Think So. More like “singed anus of wildebeest” or “stuff found at the bottom of a compost heap”. “Satan’s Twinkies”.
It was THAT bad.
In still other news, my child is not home yet and it’s getting decidedly dark out, so I guess I need to go comb the ‘hood and whup some ass.
Happy Thursday.
