My yard is chock-full of mosquitoes, probably because of the damnable pool.

I cannot even begin to fully express the hatred I have for these little bloodthirsty bastards. Even my overwhelming fear of the spider does not come close to the level of hate I bear toward the mosquito.

Naturally, they love me to death. I must have some fine, Grade-A blood that is a culinary sensation to these fuckers, because I am currently so completely covered in welts that I bear a striking resemblance to a person suffering from the smallpox.

Maybe it’s all the medication I’m on, and the drug-addled mosquitoes are simply looking for another fix.

I’ve tried “Yard Guard”. I’ve tried “Deep Woods Off!”. I’ve tried citronella candles. Nothing seems to beat back the merciless onslaught of these tiny vampires.

Pretty soon I’m just going to torch the yard. I will be found bald, smoldering, running through the city streets and maniacally cackling, “DIEEEEEEE!!!”

Just the thought of it calms me and allows me to stop scratching.

Jungle Cubs full The heat wave we’re experiencing is terrible enough without dealing with The Vile Stingers. I loathe them.

If I wanted to put a positive spin on things I suppose I could say that the city of Chicago certainly does not have to worry about West Nile Virus, because if it existed in this area, I would most certainly have it.

I am frequently found in the yard, arms waving wildly like a woman who is in the evil grips of demonic possession. I have sworn so vehemently and violently at these little winged Satans that the neighbors probably believe I have Tourette’s.

Today I am staying in. I have boycotted all extraneous children from my house and yard, and I am enjoying a Dark Angel marathon on the Sci-Fi Channel.

Just as I typed that last sentence, I received a phone call beseeching me to watch my girlfriend’s two rowdy kids.

So much for peace.

Sigh.

Happy Thursday. ‘Ware the mosquitoes.

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