Archive for June, 2009

My yard is chock-full of mosquitoes, probably because of the damnable pool.

I cannot even begin to fully express the hatred I have for these little bloodthirsty bastards. Even my overwhelming fear of the spider does not come close to the level of hate I bear toward the mosquito.

Naturally, they love me to death. I must have some fine, Grade-A blood that is a culinary sensation to these fuckers, because I am currently so completely covered in welts that I bear a striking resemblance to a person suffering from the smallpox.

Maybe it’s all the medication I’m on, and the drug-addled mosquitoes are simply looking for another fix.

I’ve tried “Yard Guard”. I’ve tried “Deep Woods Off!”. I’ve tried citronella candles. Nothing seems to beat back the merciless onslaught of these tiny vampires.

Pretty soon I’m just going to torch the yard. I will be found bald, smoldering, running through the city streets and maniacally cackling, “DIEEEEEEE!!!”

Just the thought of it calms me and allows me to stop scratching.

Jungle Cubs full The heat wave we’re experiencing is terrible enough without dealing with The Vile Stingers. I loathe them.

If I wanted to put a positive spin on things I suppose I could say that the city of Chicago certainly does not have to worry about West Nile Virus, because if it existed in this area, I would most certainly have it.

I am frequently found in the yard, arms waving wildly like a woman who is in the evil grips of demonic possession. I have sworn so vehemently and violently at these little winged Satans that the neighbors probably believe I have Tourette’s.

Today I am staying in. I have boycotted all extraneous children from my house and yard, and I am enjoying a Dark Angel marathon on the Sci-Fi Channel.

Just as I typed that last sentence, I received a phone call beseeching me to watch my girlfriend’s two rowdy kids.

So much for peace.

Sigh.

Happy Thursday. ‘Ware the mosquitoes.

What I am fast finding out is that the neighborhood folk don’t seem to give much of a damn WHERE their children are as long as they’re not at home.

Whether it’s the damned kid down the street (who has been here for four days, morning till nightfall and who I am stupidly, ridiculously allowing to spend the night simply because I feel bad about making fun of him all the time) or the kid across the alley who I have never met, who seems to have moved in, too.

Nobody checks on these kids. Nobody calls them home for lunch or dinner. They seem to be Dickens-esque street urchins without the lovableness.

Add to that the drug dealers next door, who have approximately one frillion grandchildren of varying colors, shapes, and sizes, and this block is chock-full of unsupervised children.

One of these days I’m going to go on a parent-calling spree, but I am not yet irritated enough to grow the balls to do it.

I’m close, though. Really close.

In other news, I went to the neurologist today and was informed that my fibromyalgia (I have fibro-fucking-myalgia? This is news to me.) is acting up, which explains why I’ve been in severe pain and as stiff as a geriatric for the past couple of weeks.

God, that makes me sound old. “My fibromyalgia is acting up.” Pass the prunes.

Apparently this is also the reason I get dizzy and frequently pass out. Dizziness apparently goes hand in hand with this diagnosis.

I would much rather the dude told me this before I had a fucking HEART MONITOR implanted for a year and a half. Jesus.

Anyway, that explains that, I guess the heat is what’s killing me, and hopefully the new prescription will work wonders. If not, I think I need to invest in a hockey helmet or some shit. Yesterday I fell directly on my purse, which went directly into my eyeball, and today my entire eyeball is Dracula red.

Such is a day in the life of Jen.

Currently I’m sitting out in the yard with the laptop, listening to the melodic sounds of the children fighting over the floaty toys. Oh joy, oh bliss.

In still other news, it’s as hot as blazes. It’s so hot that the cats have ceased clamoring to go outside. It’s so hot that my afro has reached Angela-Davis-like proportions.

It’s just HOT. I hate it. End of story.

Happy Monday. Send me a little patience.

The hotel party was fun, albeit a little crazy. The kids went totally nuts in the pool and were hyperhyperhyper.

My girlfriend brought her two boys. Initially, I was happy about this, because hey, the more the merrier, and also I would have another mom along for supervisory purposes.

She TOTALLY bailed on me.

At ten o’clock or so, when I was trying desperately to get the kids to wind down so that sleep might be a vague possibility, she came up to me and said, “Hey, I’m going to go out to the bar. You wanna come?”

As if I would leave four eleven-year-olds in a fucking hotel room alone.

So, I went.

Kidding.

She left, and she didn’t come back until ten the next morning to pick up her bad-ass kids, who spent the entire night whipping things at each other’s faces while I pulled a pillow over my head and groaned.

Needless to say, I was a little bent.

I didn’t say anything, however, because my insano over-niceness kicked in and all I could do was shoot a sarcastic, “Welcome back” her way before totally glossing over the whole thing.

Other people’s kids generally annoy the shit out of me, especially when I’m NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING THEM.

Anyway, I’m now sitting outside by the pool watching my son and his terribly annoying little friend frolic in the freezing water.

I have a not-totally-irrational prejudice against this child. For one thing, he smells funny, the kind of funny you smell after not bathing for a REALLY long time, or maybe after rolling in fungus.

For another thing, his voice is more annoying to me than Ann Coulter is on her very worst day. His voice is so fucking annoying that I want to rip my own ears off and insert them into my behind. It sounds like a cheese grater on a chalkboard, no shit.

Plus, he’s just kind of… slow.

Now I don’t have a problem with slow children in general, because I understand that they honestly can’t help it, but for some reason this raspy little bastard seems to tap-dance on my very last nerve.

I’m not totally deluded. I know for a solid fact that my own child can be annoying with the best of them. He’s incredibly stubborn, occasionally pesky, and too much like me NOT to be annoying. However, he doesn’t even begin to approach the level of this kid’s annoy-icity.

GAH.

I’m trying like hell to be patient, but part of me is afraid that someone will find him buried alive in my back garden.

For now I’m just sucking down Diet Cokes and over-Twittering, trying to tune out the fine melodic sound of his voice.

Happy Wednesday.

Warbirds buy

1. Mallard ducks like our pool. A lot.

2. Guitar Hero World Tour: Best video game ever.

3. Buying the child an iPod: Good move, went over well, except for the fact that he will never communicate with me again.

4. My mother really, really doesn’t want me to drive. Why?

5. Diet Coke with Splenda kind of sucks. I like my brain-shriveling aspartame, thankyouverymuch.

6. I like avocado a whole big lot. This is probably because it’s fattening.

7. I don’t own any socket wrenches and therefore cannot install our new basketball hoop.

8. I have nothing of consequence to blog about.

Happy Tuesday.

Something weird happened in blogland, and some of my old posts are showing up. As usual, I have no freaking clue.

Today is the J-Man’s 11th birthday. He’s pretty psyched about the iPod and Guitar Hero game I got him, and we’re going to a hotel later to have a little party.

Lake Dead

Jesus, am I broke now.

Flight from Ashiya movie Anyway, that’s all the news that’s fit to spit.

Happy Saturday.

We’ve started summer vacation, but the weather is still screaming early April. I put the pool up and filled it, and it sits idle, waiting for the cold and rain to subside.

The J-Man’s 11th birthday is Saturday, and we are going to a hotel with a (indoor, heated) pool with a few friends to celebrate.

I never envisioned my son having wild hotel parties until he was at least eighteen, but I can get behind this one.

The excellent vision remains, and I am planning to take my driver’s test soon. I cannot WAIT. I’m slightly nervous, as it’s been a good ten years since I’ve driven, but hopefully it’s like riding a bike.

• mercenary for justice dvdrip

I’ve also been applying for some full-time work, but I don’t plan to start until the J-Man goes back to school in late August. I’m guessing that a couple of months will be long enough to wait and see whether all this is going to stick around or not.

Today I’ve been nursing an ailing desktop by removing a lot of programs and attempting to copy all of my photos and documents over to the laptop. Somehow I don’t seem to own a USB cable, which is making the process ENDLESS. Still, I have to do it. My desktop is so slow that I feel like I’m using dial-up internet.

Remember dial-up? HELL ON EARTH.

In other news, I sent CDs out on Monday, so you should be getting them fairly soon. Some of you either did not specify what disc you wanted or used a different name when e-mailing your address, so I picked for you! Hopefully you all will enjoy them.

In still other news, the J-Man is already acting like he has nothing to do but sit on the internet. I wonder who he gets that trait from…

Happy Thursday.

I’m watching the coffee bleed into the pot and still remaining astonished by life.

Everything is stare-worthy these days. My kid! My kid, featuring newly minted contact lenses, is a wonder. When the hell did he start looking so desperately OLD? He turns eleven this coming Saturday!

When did I get so old?

I’m boning up on my driver’s etiquette so that I can get my license back, and I’m polishing up my resume so that I can get a job. Hopefully this vision will stick around and both these things will come to pass by the end of the summer.

My mother is cautious. “Don’t drive yet!” “Don’t work yet – you don’t know whether this is permanent! Stay on disability!”

I am so over the moon that I refuse to believe that this is temporary. I want to drive NOW, to go flying down Lake Shore Drive like it’s my mission in life. I want a job NOW, something with great benefits and possibility for advancement (don’t we all).

I need these things. I thought that they were gone forever, that I would spend the rest of my life holed up in this house, but I was wrong.

I’ve never been more happy to be wrong.

I sort of feel like none of you who read this blog have really met Jen. You don’t know the Jen who is driven, motivated, who works hard and plays equally hard. You don’t know this Jen with stars in her perfect, working eyes.

You know a Jen that I hope to God to leave behind. Disability Jen. Jen who sits, waiting for something better to come along. A sad Jen.

I can’t wait for life to begin again.

Happy Sunday.

I went to the eye doctor and was tested.

Out of my good eye, I am seeing 20/25. Out of my “bad” eye, it’s TWENTY FUCKING FIFTY.

I can’t even believe this.

The Matrix Revolutions video

The doctor was completely shocked and said that this might be one for the books. He performed a visual field test – a test that I consistently have bombed throughout life – and I scored a HUNDRED FUCKING PERCENT, both eyes.

BOTH EYES, PEOPLE.

I can’t believe this.

He doesn’t know whether it will stick. At first he said probably not, but after he saw my visual field test results, he said it’s a strong maybe.

• The Hammer hd

I’ll take that maybe, and I’ll run with it.

Last Exit full

Assuming I don’t pass out for a while, I could totally drive. I am ITCHING to drive. I have not been behind the wheel of a vehicle in TEN YEARS, and man, am I burning for some Lake Shore Drive driving.

All of this is just astonishing. It’s just incredible. Amazing. Fucking awesome.

I feel like I’m on top of the world.

Happy, happy Tuesday.

By the way, if you haven’t send me your address for mix CDs, send it to trancejen@gmail.com