Archive for March, 2009
March 20th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
Asked via email: “You’ve been struggling with eating disorders for a long time. What have you learned?”
I’ve learned that puking ice cream is easy, while puking Mexican food is hard.
I’ve learned that you *can* live on coffee, if you don’t mind the shakes.
I’ve learned that chills and body aches come with the territory.
creepshow iii divx movie online I’ve learned that people stare when you get thin just as much as they do when you get fat.
I’ve learned that the more people bitch and moan and cry about your eating, the less (or more) you will eat.
I’ve learned that it really can kill you.
I’ve learned that no one but me really cares all that much about the size of my ass.
I’ve learned to stop taking GNC speed.
I’ve learned that there are many, many girls out there who starve and purge and cut and hurt, and I’ve been lucky enough to learn from them.
I’ve learned that you can’t starve/cut/burn/purge your pain away forever.
I’ve learned to smile.
I’ve learned to breathe.
I’ve learned that life is just too fucking short to spend it starving or with my head in the toilet.
Have questions? E-mail me @trancejen@gmail.com.
March 20th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I think that the Diaryland page is finally re-directing here, and so is the Pointless Banter page.
Now that you’re all listening, here goes the daily spiel.
I don’t know what’s happening with the job. Suddenly the head lawyer is “thinking about it”. One of the other lawyers just quit, so my chances of being hired seem to be diminishing. I hope that this will turn around, but so far no news, and I am ready to rock and roll. It’s a bummer.
I’m on my last pack of cigarettes and am slowly savoring them as if they were a gourmet meal. The J-Man is infuriated that I started smoking again after the first go-round, so that helps. I think I’m going to be successful this time. I have three nicotine patches left to get me over the rough spot, so hopefully that’ll help.
buy Love’s Unfolding Dream I’m also trying to cut down on my Diet coke consumption. I think six or seven cans per day is excessive.
Guess I’ll have to start drinking more beer.
I kid.
In other news, there is no other news. Waiting for work, smoking my brains out, and Twittering away.
Happy Friday.
March 19th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
Have you signed up for Twitter? You really must, it’s horribly addictive and fun. I’m trying to get Bullshit on board.
I’m already feeling much more alert and clear and with it, having stopped the Fentanyl. I think it was a wise decision.
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I’m sitting here waiting for the Home Depot delivery people to bring our new dryer. It’s been pretty ghettorific up in here, with underwear and socks hanging from all the furniture. It will be nice to have a dryer again.
I was looking at some old pictures recently and thought, God, that girl is painfully thin. As much as I often wish I had that problem now, I remember that it WAS painful, being all sticky-out with the bones protruding and the chills all the time.
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Coneheads dvd Right now I’m fairly happy with where I’m at. I’m on the high end of “normal” sizes, and I feel OK. Being a size four really had no impact on my life except for making me desperate to keep that size, and it feels rather free to just Be.
This was your moment of TranceZen.
March 19th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
“Mom, I want to start my own website.”
“Really.”
“Yeah, and I want it to be a cool interactive video game!”
“Good luck.”
I think I’m first going to direct him to Diaryland, where he can start spilling the family secrets with aplomb. Then, as he becomes more technically savvy and ever more addicted, I will send him to the appropriate people who know how to Super-Tech it up.
We shall see.
As long as I have the password and can monitor his activities, anything goes.
The J-Man is incensed about the whole Rhianna/Chris Brown debacle. It is a frequent topic of conversation in the Trance household.
He asked me if I had ever been hit by a man.
I have. Once. I sat there for a minute, stunned, and then punched him in the face. Game over.
We here at TranceJen do not condone domestic violence, but we do condone swift retribution.
Then the child asked me if Bullshit would ever hit me, and I laughed my fool ass off.
I don’t think Bullshit would hit me if I walked up, kicked him in the crotch, and spit in his face.
Not that I would do such a thing.
My frequent refrain regarding abused women is this: If he hits you, he’s going to hit you again, and if he hits you, he’s almost certainly going to hit your children.
That should be enough to make a person leave.
I know in my heart that it isn’t always that simple, but it should be. A man that hits isn’t worth tears or second chances or the basic human right to go un-punched.
I think I am definitely the type of person to go all White Girl Crazy on an abuser. Think Farrah Fawcett in The Burning Bed.
Remember that, Bullshit.
Heh.
In other news, I feel great today. The surgical wound no longer hurts, I’ve had plenty of coffee, and I’m downright cheery.
This tells me that it’s time to quit smoking again and fuck up the mix.
Happy Thursday.
March 18th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
A good band name, no?
Shredderman Rules psp My corneas are much improved, apparently. Not improved enough to ditch these glasses, but improved nevertheless. I am happy.
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In other boring medical news, I am going off of the Fentanyl patch. Why? Because it makes me horribly tired, and I’ve decided I would rather have back pain than be horribly tired/doped up/addicted.
The downside of all this is that once one becomes used to Fentanyl-driven sleep, one can never sleep again without the stuff. Last night was a mad tempest of cover-tossing, even with a prescription sleeping pill.
Thankfully the withdrawals have been eased by mad chain-smoking. I know, I know, it’s terrible, but it will get me through the next three days, at which time I will quit again.
I will. Really.
In other news, the Decemberists’ Hazards of Love has dropped and is number one on iTunes. Have you checked it out? It’s highly worthwhile. Also great is the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album. I Yeahed myself silly yesterday, and I am Decemberisting all day today.
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Bullshit is doing remarkably well on the quitting smoking front, even without his Chantix. It’s inspiring.
I am rocking some red patent leather ballet flats. Every time I look down – happiness.
Happy Wednesday.
March 17th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I’m smoking downstairs in the TranceCave and it feels fabulously mellow and chill and soul-satisfying.
Tomorrow I will start over again and be all “YAY HEALTH” and all tweaky and miserable, but tonight I will smoke. I will lovingly caress the filthy little filters with my tongue. I will sigh each time the poison enters my lungs. I will enjoy it, just for one last night.
Luther Vandross should have written a song about this.
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“One, puff of your smoke,
Baby it ain’t no joke….
You’re all that I neeeeeeed tonight.”
Something like that.
Happy Tuesday Night.
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March 17th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I smoked.
I know, I’m weak and I suck and Jesus don’t love me no mo’ and I am a big, fat, loser; but damn, it feels GOOD.
I’m going to hell, aren’t I?
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Yup.
By the way, Twitter? Horribly addictive. Terribly, horribly addictive. Perhaps worse than smoking.
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March 17th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I can’t fucking do this no-smoking thing. I can’t. I’m going batshit, chewing-the-drapes crazy.
I can’t clean because my chest is killing me. There is NOTHING to do, and I WANT a cigarette.
Oh Sweet Jesus, do I want a cigarette.
Cigarettes have been a major part of my life for twenty years, and I need something to fill the void because baby, I am cracked out.
This stuff with my mother is spooking me, and I have no pain medication until my doctor gets off of his boob-staring officious ass and calls the pharmacy. Damn it.
I’m not a happy camper.
How in the hell did you do this, ex-smokers? How in the hell did you manage to quit without going up on the roof and howling like a banshee??
The caffeine probably isn’t helping, I know. I think I’m going to have to wean myself off of the caffeine as well.
Clearly I am going to have very few reasons for living left.
The J-Man is playing with some kid down the street that he just met. They both have an affinity for video games and Star Wars. I’m glad he’s made a friend.
I would be more glad if THEY BROUGHT ME SOME CIGARETTES.
Christ.
I’m seriously ready to start going door-to-door in search of cigarettes. Can you imagine? A Billy-Idol-Haired Amazon with glasses and a Betadine-stained neck and chest pounding on your door screaming, “COUGH UP THE NICOTINE, MOTHERFUCKERS, JEN IS ON THE WARPATH!!!”
Yeah.
I already ate three Pop-Tarts and a bag of jellybeans. I absolutely cannot eat anything else.
This sucks. I talked to Bullshit, who has had no cigarettes today, and he is also having a sucky time.
Tell me it’s going to get better.
Lie to me.
March 17th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
So the doctor didn’t give her a CAT scan, and said that it was TMJ. He said that the vision fuzzies are probably nothing and that her jaw is definitely jacked up.
I am trying to believe it.
You have to understand that EVERY time something happens that is serious enough to make my mother go to the doctor, it’s bad bad bad. This makes me nervous nervous nervous.
I will, however, try to trust this guy, even though he works at a doc-in-the-box Urgent Care clinic.
I had two cigarettes yesterday and two this morning and am now OUT.
I am ready to chew off my own arm like a coyote in a trap.
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My Uncle Butch lives downstate and is a redneck’s redneck. He does taxidermy in his spare time and is the owner of the famed Wall Of Death, a large family room wall covered in deer heads and other dead things.
Apparently there have been coyotes and groundhogs on their land. We had the following conversation about it.
“Aw, groundhogs.”
“Aw, nuthin’. I shot about eight of those little fuckers.”
“But it’s NATURE!”
“I gave ‘em what nature needs – a good dose of lead.”
“That totally needs to be on the side of your truck – I Give ‘Em What Nature Needs – A Good Dose Of Lead!”
Classic.
Anyway, I think my nerves are getting the better of me because of the lack of nicotine.
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I’m going nuts.
My mom, thankfully, is fine.
Fine.
If you’re a smoker, have one for me.
March 17th, 2009 | Author: trancejen
I must be tired because I’m sore from surgery, and surely that’s why I’m crying, because nothing else could possibly, possibly happen to my mother.
The thought of it is just ridiculous. She’s had cancer multiple times AND a fucking brain aneurysm. Truly she has fulfilled her quota of Shit That Can Go Horribly Wrong.
I have to believe that, because I honestly don’t know what I would do without her.
