Archive for January, 2009

I wound up going into the hospital on Thursday night because I passed out, oh, a good eight times that day.

Mistake.

After expensive blood tests and a CAT scan to make sure I hadn’t whacked my head into oblivion, I was sent home last night with instructions to have my heart monitor checked. Apparently the technology required to check it wasn’t available on the sout’ side.

Now I’m covered in remnants of IV tape, since the hospital apparently owns stock in 3M.

I did get a flu shot, though, so I suppose it wasn’t a total waste.

Jeez.

Hope you’re all having a happy weekend.

The Oxford Murders film

I’m now down 30 pounds, thank you Alli!

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner move

Flirting with Disaster move

• The Young Victoria move

Fucking A.

I could not possibly be happier.

Highlander II: The Quickening dvd Razortooth dvdrip

Kung Fu Flid dvd YES.

download Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust

• Louis C.K.: Chewed Up release

Fort Apache the Bronx dvd Happy, happy Wednesday.

OK, so maybe I was wrong.

Today my abs hurt like a bitch and it was much more difficult to do the little workout. I’m going to keep on doing it every day and see if it really provides true results on this C-sectioned belly, but so far it seems like it might be slightly effective.

Happy Tuesday!

So. The J-Man and I have been doing crunches on the Bender Ball with great gusto, but today I gave the enclosed DVD a try.

Note: Don’t buy the Bender Ball via the teevee, or you will receive forty bajillion DVDs per year. Cough up the extra ten bucks and buy it on eBay if you are so inclined.

this is spinal tap dvdrip

So far, I gotta tell you I’m not impressed. The 18-minute workout was boring and seemed far too easy to achieve any real results.

I could be wrong. I could be holding my abs tomorrow and shouting about the extreme pain, but as of right now, I give it a solid D.

I think simply doing crunches on the ball was far more challenging than the actual workout.

Peter Pan hd The skinny-ab’ed bitches on the tape were certainly inspirational, but that’s just me.

Tommy dvdrip

Bambi ipod

I don’t know right now if the Bender Ball really provides bang for your buck, but I am going to continue to work out on it in hopes that I didn’t shell out my twenty bucks in vain.

In other news, it was Big! Gay! Weekend! on Lifetime. Did you watch the Matthew Shepard story or Prayers For Bobby? Did you sob like a sorry little bitch the whole way through, as I did?

• The Pirates of Penzance ipod

I hate Lifetime, but I continue to watch it. Such is my curse.

I suppose it’s cathartic.

The Way of War dvd

Anyway, Happy Monday. Get those abs a-rolling.

Just got back from the cardiologist and am cleared for surgery to take my implanted heart monitor out. I’m putting it off for a couple months so that I can go to Green Bay and get down and get funky with my imaginary internet friends, but as soon as I return, it’s a go.

I’ll be glad to have the damned thing out, scars be damned.

Spam-A-Lot was fabulous. We had really good seats, and Richard Chamberlain was awesome. Good times, except “Always Look On The Bright Side of Life” is going to go through my head for about six years.

Speaking of music, the album of the week is most definitely Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds’ Dig Lazarus Dig. Have you heard it? I highly recommend these jamming tunes, particularly “Moonland”. What a cut!

Bullshit and my mother both hate my hair. Too short! Too short! Shorter than mine!

I don’t care.

No offense, Bullshit.

It’s strange getting used to having my hair this short again, but aside from looking like a 12-year-old boy when I have no makeup on, it’s all good.

Today I’m going to drool all over iTunes and download a ton of crap. Any recommendations?

Happy Thursday.

So, the shit pill, AKA Alli.

The Riddle trailer

I am a huge, HUGE fan of the Shit Pill. Since October, I’ve managed to lose 28 (28 now! Yay!) pounds without really changing anything about my diet.

Anything.

Granted, I would probably be losing more wight more quickly if I actually got off of my fat ass, exercised, and ate better, so now we are moving into Phase Two – Jen Kicks It Up A Notch, in which I plan to actually walk on the treadmill every day and stop horking down fast food.

• hills have eyes ii the divx movie online
  • Waitress divx

Also, since I am incredibly stupid and will buy absolutely anything advertised on the teevee tout de suite, I ordered a Bender Ball.

Try not to laugh at my charming naivete.

I didn’t order off of the teevee, per se, but elected to order it via eBay instead, so that I will not receive a rash of unwanted videos.

It arrived yesterday, deflated, in a little box with a DVD.

Seriously, folks, I could have purchased this ball from a 99-cent rack at Wal-Mart. I don’t know what sort of steel-enforced technological wonder I envisioned, but the Bender Ball is not it.

I’ll have to try it out for a few weeks and let you all know whether I change my mind.

Anyway, you want to hear about Alli.

I was frankly a little worried about taking the stuff, myself, given the fact that some people have adverse reactions like “anal leakage” (shitting yourself most indelicately), but I’ve taken far worse for no good reason at all, so I decided to give it a shot.

Really, it isn’t so bad. The first few days I most certainly had to be close to a bathroom and my stomach felt as if it was flipping and flopping into a frenzy, but that’s about it. No anal leakage. No marathon pooping. Just normal old pooping. And as a “reluctant pooper” who generally pooped once a week, if that, this was a wonderful side effect.

What’s I’m wondering is whether normal poopers all became super poopers. Perhaps my natural reticence was a factor in avoiding the dreaded Butt Drip, and if so, I hate to recommend something that would have others wringing out their intestines.

Still, I’m incredibly happy with the results so far, and I plan to start eating a little better in order to move the process along a little faster.

The Shit Pill directions make it seem as if you cannot eat fat for fear of A Bad Thing, but I haven’t found that to be so. I went through the holidays on this stuff, ate fast food, pizza, and whateverthehell as much as I wanted to. Maybe I just lucked out, but I’m not about to complain.

I recommended it to my girlfriend that cuts my hair yesterday, so I’ll have to let you know how a self-proclaimed “normal pooper” does on Alli.

The Crow: Wicked Prayer rip

In conclusion, it is nice to poop without having to take extreme measures.

Let that be your mantra for the day, should you poop freely.

Flirting with Disaster on dvd Three Wishes dvd

Branded hd

And the J-Man at Christmas…

Auto Focus on dvd

I’m a little late with that one, I know.

You know, when the HELL did I turn 35??

I mean, I know it was a few weeks ago, my fingers do flail slightly around the edges of reality, but really, 35?

When did I start growing my hair out and looking like a total soccer mom?

When did I start wearing sensible shoes??

When did my kid become nearly ready for junior high??

When did I start watching the anti-wrinkle cream commercials ever more closely??

I know that all of this was bound to happen, but it’s a little disconcerting.

One good thing about growing older is that I’ve started to realize that I don’t much care about impressing anyone but myself, but lately I’m really not impressing myself much. Lately I’ve just been in a schlump.

No more of this getting older shit. Today I’m getting my hair cut short and dyeing it a funky color, and damn it, I’m getting some pointy-toed shoes.

I am not yet ready to be this pajama-clad hausfrau.

What do you do to keep feeling young?

Happy Monday.

So I’m about to leave to go and have my heart monitor checked, a process that involves being roughly felt up by the doctor and being sort of plugged into a machine for a few minutes.

I’ll find out whether my heart is still stopping periodically during moments of passing out/intense lust/watching my kid walk on the ice.

I’m so over this fucking ice and snow. SO OVER IT. Anyone need a grunt? I will definitely consider being sold into slavery, should the climate suit my tastes.

We have every window and door in our ancient house covered with plastic and sheets and blankets to keep out the chill. In order to check the mail I have to fight my way past a heavy quilt. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

Still, the heating bill was a whopping three hundred and fifty bucks. I blame my tiny mother, who cannot seem to retain even one small molecule of heat in her skinny frame even when she is covered top to toe in Sherpa.

I got a fabulous electric blanket for Christmas, so there’s now no need for a space heater in the TranceCave. You can still see your breath, but under the dual-control blanket it’s like an oven. Love it.

We finished the damnable Revolutionary War project and are now on to incredibly difficult crossword puzzles involving the moon. I am glad I’m no longer in school, but I might as well be.

Bullshit procured tickets to Spam-A-Lot for next Tuesday. Anyone seen it? I’m very excited.

We’re keeping fairly busy. He took me to see My Morning Jacket on my birthday, which was an incredibly awesome show.

In other news, there appears to be a cat on every heat vent in this room. I think I now understand why we’re not maximizing our heat efficiency.

Damn cats.

Happy Friday.

So, what have I been up to? I’ve been watching far too much What Not To Wear, so much so that I have scary dreams about Clinton Kelly looming over my bed and screaming, “DARK WASH JEANS! DARK WASH JEANS!”

This is probably not a good thing and indicative of the fact that reality television can certainly be your enemy if over-watched.

The J-Man is well, but he got a Nintendo DS for Christmas and I really miss the sight of him without the omnipresent rectangle in front of his face.

We are (I AM) currently working on a very expansive project about the Revolutionary War, and personally I’m starting to wonder why we just didn’t fucking cave into the British. I find myself humming “God Save The Queen” and having strange longings for pudding.

In other news, my health is stellar. I’m rarely passing out and am actually going to cease the dangerous Fentanyl patch because my back has been feeling so well.

The damn thing makes me too tired.

The cats are still driving me insane by staging their own revolutionary wars on a nightly basis in the living room. So far the fat kitten is winning and has regained control of the small nylon cat house. Much yowling has been heard in the wee small hours, though, and the old folks are not going down without a fight.

I lost twenty pounds thanks to the help of The Shit Pill, otherwise known as Alli, and my days of moaning about chronic constipation have apparently come to an end. The Shit Pill really is the shit.

More news coming soon as I finish up Wikipedia-ing everything historical and have a little more time.

It’s nice to see you all.

I like it here.