And here I am again. Can you tell I’m nervous about the upcoming spinal tap?Actually, I can’t wait. Three fun-filled days of pain and headaches, followed by bad news and steroids, and weight gain. WOO HOO!!!

I am an emotional wreck. I don’t think I can face life anymore without cigarettes. lol… Three days, and I’m backed into a corner, chewing the drapes. I just left a stupid freaking diet board in tears, because someone bumped a topic I brought up. Idiotic.

I’ve felt more alone since I’ve been engaged than I ever did while single. I feel like I have to put up a constant front. I have a ring, I have a title(fiancee sounds so alien to me), and I have an obligation to be TrancePerfect. Unfortunately, I’ve been letting TranceCrabby and TranceBitch take the wheel for most of the week. And TranceWhine is waiting in the wings with bells on.

I cannot deal with D’s puppy-dog hurt looks. I would rather he just said, “God, you’re an evil bitch, and I think you have massive emotional problems. Would you just fucking DEAL already, and come to bed, so that I can sleep with my knee up your ass(He actually does this – it infuriates me.)?”. I would rather he took a bagel slicer to my jugular. Instead, he shuffles slowly off to bed with this long-suffering, Amish-ass look on his face, and it makes me feel like cat poop. No, worse than cat poop. Cat litter.

Fuck. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. I’m fasting, so I can’t eat. I’m having a fucking beer. Calories be damned. A cheap, American, cardboard-tasting Lite beer.

Sometimes I want to take off the Trance suit and just lay on the floor, a writhing mass of damaged nerves and dying organs. I want to pull out the platinum hair, peel off the paper-white skin, and just expose every screaming, aching, terrified bit of bone. I want to put it on a fucking webcam and say, “See?! This is me. This scary fucking horror-movie mess is me.”

Sometimes D. looks deep into my eyes, his clear, bright blue ones making my dark blue ones look hard and cold; and I think he sees everything. But then he kisses me. He always closes his eyes and kisses me before he has to acknowledge anything.

Is that love, or is that a lie?

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